by Writing Shark
A pointless slaughter
It’s three-thirty in the morning when your cell phone rings.
“Turn that off or I’m leaving you…” growls Megan beside you as you swing out of the batt. You kiss her quickly on the cheek and she growls at you, but of course lets you. Then you look at the display. It is pitch black and you are blinded by the bright light of the display. You can’t make out the name at first, but then you can.
“It’s Emma,” you say quietly and cross the room.
“Crazy bitch,” Megan growls, hitting the covers over her head. Millie and Denise next to her are still asleep, thankfully, and you smile as you look at them. Then you answer the call and scurry out into the hallway.
“Hey honey,” you greet your elf. “I was getting worried.” Then you stumble as you hear heavy breathing on the other end of the line. “Emma?”
“Finn?” The voice doesn’t belong to your elf.
“Carrie?” You look at the display, no it’s your girlfriend’s number, “Are you two okay?”
“Shit Finn you need to get over here. Now.” You’re wide awake. Carrie sounds worried.
“What about Emma Carrie?”
“Just come here. And hurry up. Emma… she’s… she’s got…” You start moving, pushing open the door to your room and hurrying to your closet. Your cell phone is jammed between your ear and shoulder as you pull on your underwear on one leg while grabbing your shirt off the chair.
“I’m coming Carrie. Where are you?” Again nothing happens and all you hear is the girl’s panicked breathing. “Carrie!” you call out and the others wake up.
“What’s going on?” asks Millie, rubbing her eyes sleepily as Megan tends to her and Denise rolls over from the end of the bed to join the girls. Your middle sister looks at you questioningly.
“We’re…we’re at my place…and…you have to come…fast.” Uncomprehending, you look at the phone.
“Will be right there. Twenty minutes.” Then the call ends. You look to Megan.
“I’m coming with you,” she says firmly, pushing Denise toward Millie. “You guys stay here. Your brother and I will take care of Emma.”
“Shit, what did she do?” wants Megan to know from beside you as you steer the car through the night. You rub the sleep out of your eyes and shake your head.
“I don’t know Megan. But Carrie sounded worried.”
“Emma doesn’t have any illnesses. And if she were hurt, Carrie would have called 911” your wombat reassures you. “In there.” She knows the way to Carrie much better than you do.
“But then what is it…” you ponder.
“Finn…” Megan seems meek. “What if…Carrie…” Oh no. No that can’t be no. No! Again you shake your head. “Emma loves you Finn.” Megan puts her hand on your thigh and squeezes hard. You drive faster.
The tires don’t squeal as you stop but you park in the second row in front of the fancy apartment complex Carrie lives in and yank open the door. Megan comes along, of course, and with the thoughts in your head, that’s good. Especially when you have to ring the doorbell three times before the buzzer sounds and you storm up the stairs to the third floor like a S.W.A.T. team, Megan as your loyal lieutenant at your side. Then you have to knock on the door again – several times – until a visibly upset Carrie Wilson opens the door.
“Carrie damn it, don’t scare me like that. What’s…” Then you falter. The girl stands in front of you in sexy lingerie, her breasts exposed and her nipples stiff. For a second your eyes wander in disbelief down her beautiful body, over her breasts, her taut belly and the curled toes. Then you see her hands, they’re shaking. Your eyes shoot back up to her face. Tears run down her cheeks but you see that they are not fresh. Her eyes are wide open, staring at you wordlessly.
“Finn…” Something clicks inside you as you look at the half-naked girl. But it can’t be. A small voice, not your drill sergeant this time but something darker, more evil, answers you. But it can. This lesbian has made a pass at Emma! You made a terrible mistake and you realize it now. It’s the look in her eyes. She did it. No matter what Carrie looks like, half-naked, sweating, hair disheveled, tears dried, bare, magnificent breasts, you don’t care. Without thinking, you grab Carrie by the neck and push her roughly aside.
“Emma?”
“Finn?” The voice sounds meek, panicked, broken. You cross the apartment looking for your elf. You look into the bedroom but she is not there. Briefly you feel something like silly hope, you know exactly that it doesn’t help anything. The boyfriend is probably not at home, so she could have fucked Emma on any surface in the apartment. And Emma sounds terrified. The thought eats at your guts as you imagine what happened.
Then you find her. And it’s worse than you thought. Much, much worse.
Emma is crying. She is sitting on the sofa in the living room, naked. Her tender back is turned to you and her head is going around and her eyes are fixed on you. And you… are just glad to see her. You hurry across the room, wanting to get as close to your girlfriend as quickly as possible. Behind you, you hear your other girlfriend Megan asking Carrie something, hysterical, accusing, stunned. But you don’t listen. Your whole world is taken over by Emma Jackson who now stands up and walks toward you in her naked state. Her toes are tapping across the bare cold floor and her hair is a mess as her chest rises and falls. You’re not paying attention to her breasts or her exposed vagina, just looking into her eyes. And what you see is really bad. Emma must have been crying for a long time, her eyes are red and puffy. Now she sees you, stretching her arms out to you.
Then something changes. You have only a few feet to go before you reach your elf and a relieved smile comes to your lips. Everything will be all right. I love you.
“NOOO!” Emma shrieks. Her expression changes to something so grotesque you’ve never seen it before. “No!” Rooted to the spot, you stop as her arms sink powerlessly to her sides. The gap between her arms and hips that you find so sexy is exposed, but her face doesn’t show the pleasure you love about her. She doesn’t have that surprised expression that turns into unbridled joy as soon as she sees you. There is only fear and despair. Your heart is breaking.
“Emma… what’s…”
“Don’t come near me!” she shrieks hysterically and takes a step back. She raises her arms again, her breasts jiggling in time with her gestures but this only makes you miserable. Emma staggers back a step, then another. She wants to get away from you.
“What have you done?” you hear Megan yell behind you now, but she gets no answer. But you need answers. Something terrible has happened here. Something has gone very wrong. And it’s your fault. It’s your fault!
It’s a betrayal of Emma. So much. She trusted you. You trusted Carrie. It’s terrible. But you have to turn away from Emma, literally, to be able to speak to Carrie. And that makes you angry. You leave Emma and look at Carrie, the girl you let this all happen to. “What did you do you fucking whore?” Megan is furious but this time you don’t stop her. Carrie just looks at her friend with blank eyes. “Answer me you bitch! What did you do to Emma?” But Carrie doesn’t answer and you realize from the looks she gives Megan how brutally bad the situation really is. A whole new horror reveals itself to you.
Carrie sees Megan as a friend who needs support, not as your friend who loves you. Carrie sees Megan as the past. As far as your Wombat is concerned, it’s clear, she’s on your side. As for you…it’s apocalyptic. Emma trusted you and now this, whatever this is. But Megan is standing between you and Emma, caught between two worlds again. She pushes Carrie up against the wall and stares at her out of hate-filled eyes. That’s okay until she finally realizes she has to choose between you and Emma. Tonight. Right now. Emma and Megan are friends and with you at the same time. Who is she standing by. You, whom she loves but who made an unforgivable mistake? Or Emma, who is her friend and loves you. As a friend, Megan needs to stand by Emma and make sure she’s not exposed to harmful people like you and Carrie. As a partner, she needs to stand by you and help you help Emma.
You are a good person. A peaceful person. You know how to defend yourself, you have to. Even for the safety of others. But you’ve only done something out of sheer, pure hatred once in your life. Josh at the lake threatened Emma, your elf, your love. He wanted to hurt her and you prevented that. With violence you prevented the people you love from getting hurt. Violence is a part of the world and it is good to hold it back.
But not now.
Megan needs your help before she realizes the situation she’s in. And you can only think of one way to save her.
Emma needs your help. Badly. You need to get through to her before she suffers any more damage.
And for that, you need information.
You can punish yourself for that. But not now. You will punish yourself. But not now. Now is not the time to hesitate. Two important people are suffering. Because of you, yes. But you must resolve the situation.
And you do.
“Go to Emma,” you say to Megan and push her with gentle force towards your elf who still doesn’t react to you or Carrie. “Maybe she talks to you.” Megan looks at you for a moment while her body is already moving and in her look you see the injuries you feared.
“No… stay away from me…” It doesn’t sound as brutal as yours and you hear Megan calmly speak to her. But you turn your attention to Carrie.
“What happened here?” you ask the girl who is propping her back against the wall. You move closer to her, placing your hand next to her head and forcing her to look at you. “Carrie! Talk!” Her eyes meet yours and her expression changes to something you didn’t expect. There’s an underlying layer of sadness, shock, and despair that makes it hard for you to be angry with Carrie. You’ve seen those looks before and it’s always been bad for you, always an incentive to help. But then something comes that you don’t know. Anger. Fury. Hate.
“You happened” the girl presses out between teeth clenched in anger. Her lips pull back like an attack dog and her eyes spray out death. “It’s all your fault! You’re the one who did this! If you…”
Your palm makes an incredibly loud noise as it hits her tender skin. Her head whips around, her body sliding down along the wall. Her eyes widen in shock but her gaze remains destructively fixed on you. You’ve never hit a girl in your life and at this moment it feels as natural as breathing. Carrie looks down at you, her body slumped on the floor and shaking. Trembling with rage. She holds her cheek and stares up at you. In her gaze, you see what she’s thinking. She thinks she has won. My God… You turn around to Emma and Megan. Your wombat kneels next to your elf and tries to hug her while Emma tries to keep her at a distance with weak gestures.
“You did this,” you hear the bitter voice from Carrie below you. “You did this to Emma!” She screams at you, shrill and with a voice hotter from screaming and crying. “You’re breaking her! You’re harming her!” You raise your hand, clench it into a fist. You want to hit Carrie, you want to hurt her. You’ve done it before, and it felt… justified. You can do it again. You have to. You have to destroy the things that are dangerous to your loved ones. You have to protect. You have to care. You must protect. You must destroy. You must destroy.
Your hand descends, hurtling toward Carrie who stares fixedly into your eyes. You feel the air blowing over your knuckles. Then you feel the impact.
Emma is lost. Your soul is lost. Emma is lost.
Your hand hurts. You look down. Blood trickles down from the cheek of Carrie, but it’s not her blood. It’s yours. Cheap walls. You’ve punched through the first layer of wallpaper and plaster, and your fist has hit hard brass pipes. Pain. You look at Carrie. She smiles a dirty smile. Then you hear Emma whimpering behind you. You shake your head and lean down to Carrie. You grab her by the neck and pull her up the wall with your aching hand. Your fingers close around her face, squeezing her cheeks. You yank her head around, wrap your arms around it, and pull Carrie from the front door into the living room to Megan and Emma.
Your wombat looks to you briefly, fear in her gaze. But also relief that you’re there. Now is not the time to worry about you or Carrie. Emma is in her own hell, whimpering and still trying to push Megan away, who resists with gentle force. You fling Carrie to the floor at your feet, reach into her tousled, messy hair, grab a fistful and pull her head up.
“You think this is about you or me? You think it’s about love?” You point at Emma. “That’s what you’ve accomplished! Well done you bitch! Desperate fucking bitch!” Then you let go of her and her body falls powerlessly to the floor. “Emma,” you say softly and take a step towards your elf. You try to smile as you look at her but her eyes widen again behind the hug Megan tries to give her.
“No! Go away! Go aw-ha-ha-hay!” Again she sobs pathetically and tries to slide away from you with her legs kicking. Her white panties slip and expose her lap but neither of you pay attention. Like a corpse you stand there, strung up and on display, rotting in and outside as you watch your elf squirm in grief and sorrow. Megan tries to stay with her and gets an unintentional slap in the face that only makes Emma more hysterical.
“Finn help me please” your sister cries as she tries to cling to Emma, caressing and soothing her. The tortured girl stammers and cries, saying the most horrible things over and over about herself.
“I’m disgusting! I’m scum! I hate myself! I don’t want anymore… I don’t want anymore… Go away! Go away! NO!” You’ve never seen Emma like this. She’s completely destroyed. But you have to do something.
“Megan get away from her.”
“WHAT!” Your wombat yells at you, uncomprehending. Then she calms down. She’s crying, too, and her face is bright red with exertion, her lips white with anger, and her eyes wide with shock. She looks at you. “I… I trust you.” Slowly, she lets go of Emma who scrambles to a corner of the room like a panicked animal and crouches down while Megan feels her scratched cheek. Dejectedly she clings to your side and you feel her trembling body next to you. Her closeness alone ensures that you can think halfway clearly. “What are we going to do now…” your wombat sobs and strokes you as best he can to calm down.
“Get an ambulance,” you mutter, “nervous breakdown.” Megan acts quickly and makes a phone call while Carrie remains leaning against the wall, out of your sight.
“It’s not my fault,” she says over and over, and she’s right.
The EMTs put Emma on their gurney and get her out of the house. You stand by one of them and talk to him calmly and in control while his colleague tends to Carrie. Megan walks up next to Emma, but is denied.
“Where are you taking her?” you ask the man. He scratches his head. You’ve told him what happened here and he’s torn between helping the patients’ friend or keeping it from him, he said he’s part of the problem. But since the paramedic doesn’t understand what happened to Emma and the poor girl hasn’t gotten a word out yet, he decides you might have valuable information. He beckons you to join him in the ambulance but when Emma sees your face she squirms on her gurney.
“No…” she whines, and the paramedics look at you.
“I…” You feel sick. “I’ll catch up.” The paramedic nods.
“Tom Bosley Memorial Hospital,” he says. “Sorry kid.” Then he pulls the door shut.
As the white and red car disappears into the night, you stand in the street and watch it go. Megan steps up beside you and puts her hand on your shoulder. She wants to say something, but can’t get a word out and clings to you. She struggles with her words, manages to open her mouth, but you lean forward and vomit in great waves onto the asphalt beneath your feet. Megan comforts you, keeping her hands on your body and stroking you as she sobs.
“It’s not your fault Finn,” she says sadly. “I… I don’t understand… What happened here?” Choking, you come up and wipe your mouth with your wrist. The foul taste of stomach acid and your dinner is in your mouth and your head throbs with pain just like your sprained, scratched hand.
“I don’t know,” you choke out, wiping your face. But there is someone who does know. “Carrie.” Darkness surrounds you. Brutal, ice-cold calculation. You start moving, back toward the house.
“No Finn!” Megan gets in your way but you don’t notice at first, stopping only when her arms wrap tightly around you.
“Stay here sister. I love you.” Then you walk past her. You have to do this now.
“No.” Again Megan tries to hold you down but you pull her behind you with your murderous strength.
“She took Emma away from me.” Your voice is death and Megan can’t stop you.
“Finn Lynchwood!” Your wombat stands in your way with arms outstretched but you don’t respond. Never in your life have you been so beside yourself. Even your own sister can’t… “If you keep walking now, I’m breaking up with you.” You stop, right in front of Megan. Her body is smaller than you, but still stops you. She looks at you sternly, almost angrily.
“Megan…” you mutter. Her threat has brought you back. Then her face contorts into a horrible grimace. Her chest rises and falls and she shakes even more.
“I’m so-ho-ho-wy!” she howls, and falls into your arms, crying. You catch her and hold her tightly against you. “I love you! I want to stay with you!” She drums her fists at you but it’s good pain. “You can’t throw your life away Finn. I need you! Emma needs you! We all do!”
“I-It’s okay…Megan…I’ll stay with you…” Again your sister saves you and at the moment her last blow hits your chest, together you close the chapter in which she doesn’t know what place she has in your life. She saves your life.
“Carrie is a girl. No one will be able to help you if you make a mistake now.” Megan presses up against you, flattening her cute cheek against your chest. “You need to be there for us Finn,” she sobs bitterly. I…Emma needs you right now.”
“You heard her,” you whisper.
“Shut up you colossal idiot” she yells at you with no anger in her voice. “Be a man and help her. You’re the only one who can. Fuck. Stop thinking about revenge or loss and be our boyfriend. Please!” You take your time with Megan and both of you think about Emma. Arm in arm you stand on the night street and your thoughts come to rest a bit. Megan is right. Of course she’s right. “Please take me with you to the hospital” she then begs you and you look at her. You can’t but Megan can. She makes a decision. She stays with you. “Let me come with you to see Emma. She… She’s your friend…but…I like her too.” She’s made a choice for you. And there’s only one way you can justify her trust.
“Now you’re being silly honey” you giggle hoarsely.
“E-excuse me. Y-you can d-drive by yourself if…” You kiss Megen on the forehead.
“I need you, Megan. Please stay with me.”
At least this is settled now. Megan has made a decision and with your help the question if she must decide between you and Emma is solved in the good way. Now only the sad things must be dealt with.
“Finn! Megan!” Maureen charges through the darkened hallways of Tom Bosley Memorial Hospital, waving like a fury. Weakly, you raise your arm and Maureen comes rushing to you. You rise from the bench in the hallway with Megan, and Maureen falls into your arms. She then takes Megan in her stride. “What the hell happened?” she asks while cuddling her sister.
“We don’t know exactly,” Megan says, looking sadly at the floor. “Carrie did something and now…” The girls look to you and you want to say something again, but are interrupted.
“Finn!” It’s Karen hurrying across the aisle as well. She has bottles and several bags of snacks in her crossed arms. Apparently, she raided the snack machine while Maureen tracked you down. “What the? Why aren’t you with Emma? Is she in there?” She points to the closed door.
“She doesn’t want to see me” you mutter devastated, standing dejected and useless in the hallway. “I don’t dare…”
“Fuck… Shit…” mumbles Karen, looking at your sisters. Then she shakes her head. “Shit. Here, eat something first.” She hands you a couple of candy bars and then a can of soft drinks each. You still feel sick but you need to keep your strength up. The chocolate tastes like nothing but Karen smiles happily at you.
“What are you doing here anyway?” you ask. Karen looks at you a little uncomprehendingly, then looks at Megan who just shrugs.
“He’s standing a little bit next to you,” she just says, “Don’t be mad at him.”
“Him?” asks Karen, giggling slightly, turning back to you. “I’m your girlfriend after all honey,” she says softly, wrapping her arms around you.
“Oh yeah…” you mumble, actually blushing a little. Karen snuggles up to you just like Megan but her hair is a little shorter and tickles your shoulder.
“Are you saying you’ve already forgotten about these?” she asks cheekily, sliding her hands under her breasts. Then a shyness settles over her face that makes you sway. “I want to be with you, Finn,” she murmurs, “I-I know that’s selfish… b-but maybe I can help you and…” This time it’s you who presses the girl against you and kisses her on the mouth for a long time. Her breasts taste excellent but kissing Karen Grant feels really, really good. You would surely have more thoughts, poetic thoughts of kissing something as beautiful as Karen… But right now you are just happy to feel human closeness. Karen is tender, almost cautious.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you…” you just say and hug her to you.
“You are there for me” she replies giggling and taking the next step into her new life. “God what a sweet boy you are.”
“True” Maureen laughs and you release Karen from your embrace. Her hair is sticking to her face and her shirt is a little wrinkled but that makes her look pretty. She smiles at you in a way that does something to you that you can’t yet determine. She seems… cheeky. And that’s something you can use right now.
“So…” says Karen, rubbing her nose. She looks around a little sheepishly among the other girls. “Rachel will watch Millie and Denise while we’re here, and I’ll keep you all fed and hydrated. So you can focus all your attention on Emma.”
“Rachel is at our house?” you ask a little incredulously, and Maureen just grins.
“She’s one of our friends,” Karen explains to you and Megan, who seems equally surprised. “If Carrie really did this to Emma, then it concerns all of us.” She nervously strokes her shirt and looks at you. “We’re all your girls…we…belong together…right?” She looks around the group, and you and your sisters clasp young Grant in your arms. “I’ll fake fhat af a ‘yef’” comes it dump from your midst while you are already feeling a little better. “I called Rachel and asked for help and she made herself available,” says Karen blushing and even more tousled after you released her.
“Mum and dad freaked out just a bit” laughs Maureen. “First you fuck us under their noses and then a complete stranger comes into their house at two-thirty.”
“Poor things” Megan agrees, also including her mother. Then you look to the door that separates you from your elf. A piece of wood, covered with plastic and a metal handle, nothing more. For you it is like the Berlin Wall.
“You should go to her,” says Karen, the girl who has spent the least time with you.
“She doesn’t want to see me” you say again. That’s all you can say, that sentence alone almost sends you to your grave and only the other girls ensure your health. “It’s over.”
“No it’s not” Karen says sternly.
“She’s made up her mind” also says Megan who behaves a lot like you. “I saw her. That was… really bad.” Karen looks down and wrinkles her nose. Then she looks up.
“Oh come on guys.” She looks around at the group. “Finn I can understand but you guys are girls.” She laughs encouragingly, which has no visible effect. “What’s wrong with you guys?” Then she taps her forehead. “Oh yeah, you’re girls.” Maureen looks questioningly at Karen, then her face brightens. “Well, finally. At least there’s one.”
“What are you doing?” you ask, and Maureen looks at you. She stands next to Karen and draws your attention while Megan, who is closest to you, like you, doesn’t understand.
“It’s okay Finn. Anyone would feel that way if they saw what you saw.” She looks at Karen. “Me or you?”
“You’re his sister…” murmurs the young Grant, suddenly nervous. “He won’t get rid of you that easily if I’m wrong.”
“Tell me. Now,” you grunt, growing impatient. There’s something you didn’t hope for tonight. Hope.
“Finn we’re girls,” Karen says now with courage in her voice but her eyes look at you hopefully. “We don’t know what we’re doing.”
“Oh come on!” you blurt, and Karen winces a little. “I don’t have time for this.”
“Shut up bro,” your big sister hisses sternly. “Karen is right.” The sex bomb steps closer to you.
“I know what I’m talking about. We’re just a bunch of hormones and stress sometimes when we’re not feeling well. That’s when we need a strong man by our side.”
“A stern man,” adds Maureen. “Don’t be a pussy Finn. Yes, Emma is miserable. But do you really think she’d be better off if you just ran away now?”
“She said…”
“And I said I was too pretty for you,” Karen says, supporting herself well with the girl she’s been ruining her own date night with.
“Listen to her,” Megan now agrees. “We need you. I didn’t get it, but I do now. You’re the man and we can’t do it without you.”
“Now get in there with your girlfriend, put her over your knee and tell her to stop bitching” Karen laughs and Maureen slaps you hard on the arm.
“Go in there to Emma,” says Maureen. You look at the girls and remember what you promised yourself and the world. Shame. Shame for every second you wasted. Actually, it’s not your fault. But sometimes a boyfriend must be strong and commanding to do the right things. New strength flows through your body, energy and something like joy. Feeling Karen has done you good and seeing Maureen and Megan as well.
“Okay,” you say and exhale for a long time. No hesitation, no doubt. Action. “Maureen, take Megan home with you.”
“I want to stay with you Biggie,” says Megan but you have to make the decisions now.
“No. Take care of the little ones with Maureen.”
“Will do little brother, “says your big sister and puts her arm around Megan. You turn to Karen.
“Can you get some fresh clothes from Emma, please?”
“Of course. And uh… Can I stay with you tonight then?” before you can say anything Karen looks apologetically at Megan. “You can stay in the room with Emma. I’m… I’m sleeping out here. I just… would like to be there if you need m… well… If you need anything.”
“Sounds like a good idea Biggie,” says Megan and you can see that the evening has left its mark on her too.
“Come on,” Maureen says. “I’ll put you to bed and take care of you. And Karen is waiting for you with her car and clothes” Karen nods eagerly and gratefully.
“That would make me happy,” she says and can’t hold back. She hugs you briefly and presses a kiss to your cheek. Then she turns to leave with your sisters.
“Wait,” you say and bring her back to you in the dark whole. You close your arms around her hips and lift her up. Her breasts press against you just as her head presses against your shoulder as you spin her around. “Thank you Karen.”
“Thank you for letting me stay with you,” she whispers as you set her back on her feet. “Waiting in the hospital hallway for my lover is a nice first date. Really.” She looks at you with a cheeky grin. She means it.
“I love you” you just say and shake your head.
“I know,” says Karen. This gives you an idea and you ask Karen, who – as all the girls – have a spare key to the flats of her friends, to get one more thing for Emma.
Then you’re alone in the cold, dark hallway of the hospital. It smells like disinfectants and somewhere at the other end of the hallway nurses are making their rounds. You are allowed to enter the room, you are the boyfriend after all. And you can’t give up now. You’re not going to give up. Whatever happened with Carrie and Emma, you know your feelings for Emma. You don’t know what she’s been through and what Carrie has done. Maybe it’s already too late. Emma doesn’t want to see you. But you are her boy, her owner. You’re responsible for her and you can’t walk away without fighting for her good. You owe it to Emma to make an effort. If she doesn’t want you by her side anymore, you have to accept that. You have failed terribly, put her in danger. Again!
There is a real possibility that you have lost her forever. And you will respect her decision, you know that. It’s up to her how she will react and you will not influence her. No flowers at her bedside. Just you and the memories of you. The good and the bad. If Emma wants to tell you what happened, that’s fine. If not… She slept with Carrie. I know she did. There’s no other way. She slept with Carrie, the girl she’s always loved. You underestimated Carrie, were too kind, too soft. But you trust Emma, too. If she decides against you, you have to respect that. And you don’t fool yourself. It’s clear that Emma loves you. But what future can I offer her? One among many? It isn’t a doubt. It is a clear analysis of the flaws in your way of life. Up until now, you made it feel good to her. But if she decided that that isn’t her way anymore… The danger is real. Emma is smart. She knows what’s best for her. You can’t tell her. You owe it to her as her friend to be there when she wakes up. And then… when she doesn’t want to… you’ll go home.
Emma is not a problem you need to solve. Emma is a living, breathing human being. She chose you, and she has the right to take that decision back, for whatever reason. She doesn’t even have to love Carrie. If it’s up to you, then you have to weigh how best to proceed. But one thing you know, Emma will assume that it is up to her. Your job in this regard is very simple: You will make sure that she is okay. That hasn’t changed and from the beginning, there was a danger that the life you wanted to lead is not for you. You want the best life for Emma. She herself decides if it is a life by your side. No, Emma is not a problem. Emma is a miracle.
And you will live up to that wonder.
Still, you almost throw up when your fingers touch the cold metal of the door handle. You pull yourself together. It doesn’t matter how you feel. You push the door open, quietly and carefully, and enter the room. It’s dark in there, but you can clearly see the white of her bed cover as you creep across the linoleum floor. The other bed in the room is empty, which is a happy coincidence, so you won’t disturb anyone else if you were to part right now. But your thoughts falter when you see Emma Jackson lying on the bed. It is a single misery. She doesn’t see you, has her eyes closed and is breathing quietly. It seems as if she is sleeping and you feel an unspeakable longing to be with her. It comes over you like a tidal wave and you have no chance to resist it.
You take another step towards her, but then you stop. If she doesn’t want you, what will you do? The answer is simple. You will direct everything you have towards the brutal, final and definitive destruction of what you feel for Emma. You will kill your love for her so she can let you go. You will make every attempt to disappear from her life and atone for the crimes you have done. But now… But now you have to be near her, be there for her, do her good. You step beside her bed in the cold dark and silent night.
“Emma?” It takes you two attempts. The first time only a ridiculous pfffft comes out of your lips. Then you manage to breathe her fragile name. She doesn’t respond. You swallow. Your throat hurts terribly. “Emma?” a little louder this time. And then her eyes open. Never in your life have you been more scared than you are now. Emma Jackson is under the influence of sedatives, the doctor told you. They are weakly dosed because they examined her blood and detected alcohol. Her beautiful face first reflects confusion as she finds herself in a strange room… Then she sees you… And she smiles… And then her face contorts again.
“No…” she breathes with her throat tightened with grief. She tries to move and all you want to do is cry. No! No you fucking idiot. Take care! Carefully but very firmly you kneel down next to her bed and put the bottom of your elbow next to her body. Emma is very weak and so it’s easy to catch and hold her waving hands. “No…” she breathes again. She is really badly hurt and you realize that tenderness won’t help here. Your fear intensifies and you can’t feel your body anymore.
For Emma, you must do what is good for her, not what feels good for you. You know her and you love her.
“Emma be quiet,” you order her sternly. “Shut up.” She doesn’t manage to close her lips but her lower lip trembles and a tear runs down her cheek. “I order you to listen to me.” You take a deep breath and press her hands together between yours in a silent prayer for her. “You are mine Emma Jackson. You love me and I love you.” She wants to say something but you won’t let her. “I don’t care what happened or what didn’t happened Emma. I want you in my life. You are mine, Emma, mine alone. Body, mind and soul. And I order you to accept that. Do you hear me?” no response. She just stares at you. “I make the decisions here and I decide that no matter what happened yesterday nothing changes between us. You are my little elf and you are mine. Whatever you want, you can say it without fear. I’m here for you and tonight, I exist only to do what is good for you. So gather your strengs and whenever you feel ready, say what you want. I love and respect you. But now I order you to rest and get better. Got it?” You smile at her.
But Emma has already fallen asleep.
Writing Shark 