Category: I Can Make This Work

by Writing Shark

A not at all bi lesbian

“Okay…” Ethan nods his head slowly and looks away intently as he processes Lisa’s words. “Okay…” He looks exactly like Lisa imagines a man who has listened to a confused, scared, and lovestruck woman for an hour and a half. An hour and a half of nonstop talking and Lisa didn’t even notice that it took her so long. Ethan noticed and his nervous laughter makes her stomach churn. “That… still doesn’t answer my question.” Another laugh and Lisa is too nervous to be sure, but prays that he is amused and not annoyed by her.

“Oh…” She frowns, then remembers. She should tell him why she loves him. “Please excuse me, Ethan. I can try… I can… I will…” But she can’t. She can’t tell him why, even though he deserves it so much. He is so patient with her, lets her speak and listens, and Lisa wants so much to show him that he deserves to have his questions answered. “I’m so sorry,” is all she can say and looks at him apologetically. But he shakes his head and Lisa becomes afraid.

“It’s okay,” he takes the burden from her shoulders and makes her feel light again. “I certainly couldn’t answer that either.” Lost in thought, he sips his drink and says nothing for a few seconds while he avoids her gaze. It almost seems as if he wants to end the date and Lisa would like to crawl across the table, throw herself at his feet and beg him not to go. But Ethan stays seated. And then he nods and looks her in the eyes. Her heart skips a beat when she sees the determination in his gaze, so sublime and masculine. She quickly presses her legs together again so as not to start nervously rocking on the chair. “I would like to continue the date,” he says.

“Really? Thank you!” Her eyes light up, then widen when she sees how surprised he is at her answer.

“For sure,” he grins. “And I think you feel the same way.”

“Yes! For sure Ethan! I want to…” Then she becomes quiet again when she feels his hands on hers. There is something about his touch that makes her feel calm and safe. She feels the warmth of his skin and somehow his touch is already so familiar and welcome to him, she can only sit quietly and watch him.

“Then let’s go soon,” he says and grins apologetically. “You didn’t answer my question, but you raised a lot of others.”

“Sorry,” she mumbles and hangs her head.

“No worries. But I have to move for that, you understand? Get blood to my head. Oxygen and all that.” Lisa nods eagerly.

“Can I come with you?” But before Ethan can say anything, she shakes her head. “Sorry. You definitely want me to come with you… right?” His giggle gives her butterflies in her stomach and he doesn’t have to answer the question. Instead, he turns around, looks for the waiter and waves him over.

While Ethan turns his back to her, Lisa realizes what role she wants to play in his life. Of course, in the end he decides how she should be, but if he allows her to reveal her wishes, then she wants it to be exactly as it is now.

He takes such good care of me, she thinks in love and watches the movements of his arm as he signals to the waiter. I’m so nervous and he protects me so well. What would have happened if he wasn’t so patient with me? What would I have done if he wasn’t so understanding with me? So many questions, and they all come from me. He just wanted an answer and I couldn’t give it to him! And he still wants to clear up the situation. Because he likes me too! Despite his mistrust and my clumsiness, he wants to get to know me better! And he addresses the questions I raised! I love him so much!

Lisa knows deep down that she is behaving like a teenager in love, not like a grown woman. But it is love that has taken hold of her, and Lisa can hardly expect herself to be able to handle it well. And she doesn’t expect the same from Ethan, even though he is handling the difficult situation she has thrown them into so skillfully.

It would be so easy for him to call it off. I have to convince him and I have only caused more problems! And yet he gives me a chance and…

“Lisa?” She blinks and looks up at Ethan. With a gentle smile, he stands in front of the table, his jacket over his shoulder as he reaches out his hand to her. “Shall we?”

“Yes…” she whispers, still lost in thought. Then he pulls her up from her seat, with a firm grip but not too quickly. He is a help, not a force of nature, even if Lisa feels that way in his presence. “Hey,” he says, pulling her next to him. “No bad feelings, okay? We had a good time and nothing bad happened.”

“Yes?” She just has to ask. “Even if I…”

“Yes,” he interrupts her gently. Then he looks around for the waiter.

He’s giving me the chance to be there for him too, Lisa realizes. I can prove to him that I don’t have bad thoughts. That’s what he wants from me! And he deserves it!

Finally, Ethan pulls Lisa to the cash register. The waiter looks at the two of them confused, but Ethan says they still have an appointment and need to leave quickly. The waiter just shrugs his shoulders and types the amount into the cash register. And Lisa sees a chance to prove herself to be a good woman.

“Let me do it,” she suggests and looks in her handbag for her wallet.

“Are you crazy,” Ethan laughs while the waiter waits patiently for who will pay him. That’s why he comes to the table, but of course doesn’t say what he’s thinking.

“Then let’s share it,” suggests Lisa, looking into the female nuclear chaos of her handbag. “Please. It was such a nice date and I…” Then Ethan’s hand rests on the opening of her bag.

“I’ll pay,” he says, sounding so patient. “You pay for the next date.” He grins when he sees Lisa’s wide eyes.

The next date… The next date… The next date…

Like a continuous loop, his words run through her head and affect the Asian woman, so that it is Ethan who looks at her in surprise as he puts his wallet back in his pocket with a face contorted in pain. While she was standing one step behind him like a shy child while paying, her eyes now burn with the fire of infinite devotion. Ethan and Lisa stare at each other and the young woman sees that he now feels exactly the same as she does. Of course it is she whose feelings are so infinitely big, but Ethan said it.

“You really know what to say to make a girl happy,” she breathes, sounding as fascinated as she is relaxed.

A second date. He has accepted that this is really happening. A second date.

“I hope so too,” laughs Ethan as a following guest pushes past the two of them with a grim look to the waiter. “I can’t afford a second date and…” He falls silent and for a second his expression changes. “I’ll get money again soon and then I can…” This time it is Lisa who interrupts him with her hand in his as she pulls him towards the exit, it is obvious that Ethan has made a big mistake.

“Thank you, Ethan,” she says and turns to leave with him. “It means a lot to me that you like me so much that you pay for my meal,” she says as his face turns red. But he looks at her and when they reach the door he takes two big steps and holds the door open for her again. Lisa smiles at him gratefully and waits outside until he is back at her side. She thanks him again and then they are standing outside on the street. “Ethan?” He looks at her, no longer so embarrassed. “I know that this situation is anything but normal. So can I ask you something?”

“Of course.” He doesn’t have to say anything else and Lisa feels safe and secure with him. She doesn’t care how much money he has or what he dresses like. His smile is what she loves and she wants to stay with him forever, not because she can’t help it or because she can’t cope on her own, but because she chose it that way.

“I know I’ve thrown us into this… But can you please do it nicely for us?” The boy looks at the girl, then nods.

“I’ll do my best.” And that’s all Lisa wants from her future husband.

---

A short time later, the two of them are walking through a nearby recreation area. But it could also be the moon, Lisa only has eyes for Ethan. After the episode with the money and her reaction to it, he really blossomed and has now devoted himself to the problems that stand between them and their relationship. And actually, these are just Lisa’s problems. It is Lisa’s wife that she has to separate from and doesn’t know how. It is Lisa’s feelings that seem so big and intimidating to her. It is Lisa’s will to be with Ethan and spend her life with him. And it is Lisa’s responsibility to get rid of all these things in order to be able to offer an honest, equal and functional relationship. Or any other form of relationship that Ethan could demand of her.

And yet it is he who walks along next to her with a strained expression, his eyes lowered, racking his brains while Lisa hangs by his side and she is the one who blushes when he asks her if she agrees with his thoughts. She understands that he wants to help her and is grateful for the guidance he offers.

“I accept your feelings,” Ethan finally says as he takes her hand as if it is already normal for both of them. Lisa returns the gesture and presses herself against his body as she listens to his words. “I don’t understand them, you have to accept that… but…” He sighs. “But I accept that the most incredible… lesbian… not bi… girl I’ve ever met has fallen in love with me. And I don’t need an explanation for that.” He clears his throat as Lisa wraps her arms around his and hangs on to him, her head on his shoulder. At first the two of them wiggle around, but then their steps match each other and for Lisa it’s as if she is already part of his life.

“I know you will make it possible,” she says lovingly. “You will find a way for me and I will be grateful for it.”

“Lisa… no matter what I do, it will hurt you.”

“I know,” she says quietly. “But that’s the way it is. And I trust you, promise. Not being here, with you, is the worst and I ask you to find a way so that I don’t suffer so much.” Finally, Ethan nods.

“I’ve already agreed to a second date.” Lisa can’t see his face, but she knows him well enough to know who he’s grinning at. “What’s a third date and… a life after that?”

Lisa could throw herself at him now, scream and cheer, but she prefers to snuggle up to his side in a gentle way. This is the most important moment in her life and she has managed to get Ethan to accept her. Peace and security are the least she can give him now that he’s taking responsibility for her life.

“You deserve to be clean and official with me,” she says in a calm voice. “I want to break up with Maddi… I don’t just have to, I want to.”

“We’ll do it together,” Ethan decides, and Lisa is so incredibly grateful that he takes the lead. After the money thing, it probably didn’t have to seem that bad to him, but now it’s the way Lisa wanted it.

“I’ll do what you tell me, Ethan,” she whispers, pressing herself closer to him.

“It’s going to be unpleasant. It always will. But in the end, we’ll make sure that none of you have to suffer too much.”

“And neither will you,” she says with hope in her voice, but he shakes his head.

“Like I said, I don’t understand. But if it helps Maddi, then I’ll tell her that I’ve brainwashed you.” He has to grin. “I’ll say I have some kind of sexual privilege to be with the prettiest lesbians there are. Then she’ll hit me, and at least she’ll feel better than before.” And Lisa has to giggle wildly.

“Sorry,” she snickers. “I shouldn’t… But only I call her Maddi. Not even her friends call her that. It’s our special sexy name.”

“Oh, she’s going to kill me,” Ethan groans artificially. “Okay. Maddison.”

“She goes to the gym regularly,” giggles Lisa, who knows that she should be sad. And she is, deep down. The grief over the loss of her love Maddison is just as great as it would be under normal circumstances, life-changingly terrible. But Ethan surrounds this grief with a whole factory floor of warm blankets and his gentle voice and with him even the worst hell is bearable if only she has to be with him.

“Yup. She’s going to kill me,” Ethan states again. And then he laughs. And Lisa laughs when she realizes that they are just planning their life together. And maybe Ethan realizes it too because he just gets bolder and happier and suddenly the two find themselves in an embrace.

“I want to be with you Lisa,” he says and presses her body to his and Lisa can’t help but start crying. Everything is so terrible and at the same time so beautiful. Everything is so confusing and at the same time so clear.

“I love you Ethan,” Lisa whispers. “You don’t have to say it back but I love you and I’m so grateful that you accept me and show me how I can make you happy.”

“And I’m grateful that you’re willing to endure all of this. I know that must be incredibly difficult and I promise to be there for you the whole way.” For a while the two of them just walk along the path, holding hands and understanding what’s happening. Lisa will spend her life with the man she loves. Neither of them knows what that will look like yet. But they’ll find out together and so Lisa is less afraid of the terrible pain that will come when she faces Maddison.

But Ethan too has his thoughts.

“And I want to have sex with you.”

Blinking, Lisa looks at her (soon-to-be) boyfriend. He can’t look her in the eye and acts as if he hadn’t made the last statement. Lisa has to laugh and he looks at her worriedly.

“Of course we’re going to have sex,” she laughs and holds her stomach with the hand that isn’t holding his. “Who do you think I am?” More laughter.

“A lesbian, Lisa,” Ethan grunts, but has to smile in relief. “A not at all bi lesbian.” Lisa stops and the fabric of her red summer dress caresses her legs as she turns to him.

“A lesbian who has found the one man she wants to have sex with again and again and again.” She giggles again but Ethan looks at her seriously. Apparently that’s an important thing for him, or even men in general, so Lisa treats sex with him like that. “Yes, I’m a lesbian and the thought of seeing a man naked… or his… No, that’s disgusting… I don’t like that. But you…” She gives him a gentle smile. Then she licks her lips. Not too pushy, but she also notices that it is suddenly completely natural to behave sexually in front of him. There is no fear or nervousness anymore.

I am going to have sex with this boy, she realizes. And I can hardly wait.

“You are something special, Ethan.” She nods her head towards the nearest park bench, which is under a lamppost. “You can have me right here if you want,” she says in a serious voice and with a gentle smile. “Bend me over this bench, pull up my dress and push my panties to the side and take me how you want.” She almost expected him to look at her in shock, but there is no fear in his eyes. He examines her closely and takes in every word she says. “I belong to you and you alone, Ethan. Not Maddison or my family. I know I’m a difficult case, but I give my love and my body to you and you alone, Ethan. We can do it here, dirty and wild, or at home, at my place or at yours. I want you to be happy and you deserve it and… I still have a lot to learn. For real. I have never even touched a p-penis and I only know from school what happens during intercourse with a man. I know my body, but that of a man… What I mean by that is that you can have me now or when you think I’m ready.” Then her hand strokes his shoulder, gently and not at all sexually, and he wraps his fingers around hers and holds her hand to him. “I know that you are someone who doesn’t mean me any harm… But you should also know that after everything you do for me, the trust and the effort you make, you can decide. Naughty or nice or both, inexperienced or experienced, that’s up to you. And I’ll follow you.”

“That sounds fantastic,” Ethan says finally. And then he decides something. “Then now I know how I want to start my relationship with you.”

“Relationship…” Lisa murmurs as he takes her hand and leads her to his old, rickety car.

“Are you here on foot?” he asks her and she can only nod. Then he nods towards the car. “I want you to spend the night with me,” he says and Lisa knows that it’s not really a test from him. It’s not really a question either, because Lisa wants nothing more than to spend the night with him. “No matter what you say to Maddison now, you know it’s going to be a lie?” Lisa nods and pulls out her cell phone. And she gets into his car while it rings.

“Hey babe… I’m staying at Jenny’s tonight… Yes, exactly… We went too far…” During the conversation, Ethan puts his hand on her leg. Slowly he lets his fingers slide over her dress. It’s not sexual, no matter what they’ve just talked about. He’s there for her, supports her while she lies to her wife. “I’m sorry,” she says to Maddison, but also to Ethan. Maddi waves it all off, as she often does. She is so confident and strong, much stronger than Lisa. And Ethan supports her in her weakness and gives her strength. “We’ll see each other tomorrow after work. Bye.” Then she hangs up. For a sekund she sitzt there, looking out of the windeo, Ethan’s Hand on her body. “I didn’t say I love her,” Lisa whispers and a lonely tear runs down her cheek.

“Maddi knows that too… Maddison… shit, she’s going to kill me.” And Lisa has to giggle. Weakly, but still.

“Ethan?” He looks at her gently. “Can I ask you one thing?” He nods and Lisa takes a deep breath. “I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to be the way you deserve. I don’t know if the sex with me will be good. I don’t know if I’ll be able to behave in a way that makes you proud of me. I just want to ask you… Please… If you don’t like me… Then tell me what I have to do, okay?” Ethan swallows and his eyes study Lisa intensely while she sits uncertainly in the passenger seat and doesn’t really know what to say. “I just cheated on my wife and… and I want it. It… I don’t like it but… Please Ethan… I want a future with you. Please tell me what I have to do to…”

“Come on,” he smiles at her. “I’ll drive you home and then I’ll show you what you can do for me.”

And Lisa is grateful for a boyfriend who knows that she is sometimes weak and helpless. She is grateful that he takes care of her and tells her when she needs to do something differently.

Then she buckles up and says nothing the whole drive while Ethan steers the car through the night to a place where she will have sex with him for the first time.

Her whole head is confused and aimless and she just hopes that Ethan likes her so much that she has convinced him so much of herself and her body that he will like her.

by Writing Shark

Sore feet and simple things

This was probably the longest time in Lisa’s life. Not only did she have to fight the constant urge to call Ethan, write him or even send him a letter, some kind of sign to signal to him that she is thinking of him, missing him and wants to see him again, she also had to hide from her wife, an impossible thing but important nonetheless. Because no matter how often she thinks about it, she cannot find a way to break up with Maddison with a clear conscience. How can she break up with someone she loves? But the decision is made and to her shame, she had to realize that Lisa would prefer Ethan to do the job. With his charming smile and stunning looks, even her wife could not resist him and Lisa would not have to break her heart. But that is exactly her job and the only consolation is that she can postpone this duty until later.

For now, she has to concentrate fully on showing Ethan that she is the perfect choice to share his life with her, a task that is no less frightening for Lisa, but which fills her stomach with joyful anticipation and makes her fingertips tingle.

The sun has already set and only the last rays are shining over the roofs of the city while the lights are already coming on in the streets below. The warmth of the day is still present and Lisa doesn’t shiver in her wide red summer dress with the white flowers on it. That’s good, because she has to concentrate on not tripping on the cobblestones in her high heels and losing her small white handbag that hangs playfully over her shoulder.

In the two and a half hours that she spent in front of the mirror, trying on several outfits until she found the right one, the young woman kept asking herself what type of man Ethan might be. The long-sleeved white shirt with the flowers on it was too chaste for her taste and the straight top that ties up under her breasts was too whorish. Lisa knows about her body, a detail that Maddison won’t let her forget, but today everything has to be perfect. Only Lisa doesn’t know what perfect means for her beloved Ethan.

Finally, she decided to take the middle path and put most of her attention into her hair, a routine she already mastered. Stick with what you know and excel in that, she thought to herself, but now she’s not sure whether she shouldn’t have dressed more riskly. She quickly looks around, there’s no chance that no one will catch her, but the restaurant where Ethan wanted to meet isn’t far away and she doesn’t have time. She came on foot in the hope that he might accompany her home, take her upstairs, go to the bedroom with her and… But that’s stupid. Men like Ethan earned to be convinced by their ladies with their bodies and minds and Lisa wants nothing more than for him to see her as the best choice for what he wants to do with her. And what that is, Lisa doesn’t know. And that frightens her, is she willing to do anything for him though and she knows that there is no guarantee for him being gentle with her. And then there’s Maddison, a detail she doesn’t want to think about. And now she’s standing in front of the restaurant, her feet hurt in her silly little red shoes and she’s so nervous about her looks. Her fingers quickly run under the fabric of her dress, just like under the blue bra she is wearing, and press lightly into the flesh of her breasts. Quickly and skillfully she pulls them up and presents her cleavage to the world. She can’t change anything about her underwear now, but if she finds the time, she will quickly go to the restroom in the restaurant and pull down the straps of her bra to…

But what if he wants me to be chaste? He knows that I’m a lesbian. Maybe he wants me to be innocent? Maybe I should…

But all thoughts are in vain when Lisa sees the entrance to the restaurant… And Ethan.

Her great love is already standing in front of the entrance, her hands in his beige jacket whose sleeves are a little too long, just like the legs of his blue jeans. Lisa absorbs the information for half a second, then she loses herself in the boy’s eyes and her heart starts beating faster. Her lips tingle, as do her fingers, and she grips the strap of her purse tighter as she checks her dress one last time, hoping it doesn’t sit too high above her knees or too low below her ass. Then his eyes fall on her and the young lesbian can’t help but let out a wanton squeak.

He is just so perfect. First, he recognizes her, then his eyes widen when he sees her outfit. Lisa hurries to come to him and wobbles across the street on her high heels, luckily not forgetting to look left and right. As much as she is enchanted by the fantasy of Ethan taking care of her, not even someone as nervous as Lisa would tell such a story. And besides, since the text messages from him, she has had completely different fantasies of Ethan and Lisa in a hospital, at night, hand in hand while Lisa gives her husband twins, a boy and a girl. The boy is born first, Lisa gives her husband an heir, then, a few minutes later, in pain that Ethan kisses away, she gives birth to his son’s little sister. And Ethan is happy and kisses Lisa on the mouth and…

She stands in front of him and the sight of him throws her off balance. It’s not just her feet, her whole world shifts – just like it already did – and Lisa loses her balance – just like she is right now.

And Ethan catches her.

“Oops,” he grins with a slightly surprised face. “Everything OK?”

“‘elloh,” Lisa whispers and tries to remember how to speak basic words. But it’s so hard while he holds her in his arms like a gentleman. His face is so beautiful, the worried look for her and the slight smile, just like the blush in his cheeks when he realizes that he is holding Lisa in his arms. A perfect moment that she wishes would last forever.

“Everything OK?”

But unfortunately, Ethan puts her back on her feet and her jaw muscles tense a little. But she understands, her task still exists, her duty to Ethan and Lisa can’t afford to become weak now and lose herself in… those perfect… eyes…

“Yes,” she finally nods. “Sorry. Those darn shoes.” Ethan looks down at her body and it’s as if he’s seeing one of the wonders of this world for the first time. Lisa can’t believe it, she’s never been looked at like that before.

“You look stunning,” he says finally and lets his gaze wander upwards again. For a brief moment, they rest on her breasts, which, thanks to her efforts, are cheekily thrust out towards him. For a moment Lisa feels pure pride, then she realizes that she has already overcome the first hurdle. Ethan imagines her naked.

Yes! I’ve been working towards that! Lisa, you little horny lesbian, you really have it in you!

And Ethan really is a gentleman. His gaze wanders back to her face but Lisa sees the red on his cheeks. It’s as if the pieces fit together without her having to make any effort and Lisa realizes that Ethan will actually give her a chance to prove to him that she belongs to him.

So joyful anticipation mixes with the nervousness of being in the presence of such an impressive person.

But don’t let things get too slacky, she admonishes herself. Right. He’d stared at your boobs. What now? Let him touch them? Here? Would I… Who am I kidding? Definitely don’t turn around and hide yourself. You want this, him, looking at you sexually. Maybe some little hind? The middle ground?

“Do you like them?” she asks, holding her breath. She has done it, for the first time in her life. She has allowed a man to look at her sexually. Not that Ethan needs permission, he can do whatever he wants with her, but his reaction just shows her again what a perfect person he is.

“They… like really… look great,” he says, closing his eyes and only opening them again when he looks at her shoes. “But if they’re uncomfortable… then…” Lisa watches with excitement as Ethan struggles with himself. “Should we go in?” She almost expected him to do something perverse, something that Maddison and her friends had warned her about. But Ethan is not that kind of person and Lisa’s lips twist into a warm smile. “Yes, please. That would be nice.” She wants to ask herself whether he doesn’t like her breasts and the first waves of negative feelings wash over the woman in love. Doesn’t he like them? Doesn’t he like me? What could I have done differently? Her breathing quickens and she wants to ask him what she can do better, but then she feels his hand on her upper arm.

“May I.” But it is not a question and his jaw muscles work hard as he gently supports Lisa and leads her to the entrance. The young woman could not answer anyway and can not form the word ‘thank you’ if her life depended on it, can only stare lovingly at Ethan as he leads her to the entrance door. And she presses her breasts against his arm, subconsciously, as if it were the most normal thing.

---

“There. Here you go. Please sit down.” Lisa feels as if she is floating. Like a gentleman, he has led her through the entrance door and now he pulls back her chair and waits until she has sat down. Then he sits opposite her, looking into the restaurant.

He wants to protect me, Lisa realizes and presses her legs together under the table. Even she did not expect so many green flags in such a short time and so she just watches as Ethan pulls the menus over.

“Here,” he says, but Lisa does not react, just continues to adore him. “Lisa?”

“Yes,” she says quickly and reaches for the menu.

I’m going to marry this man and if it’s the last thing I do, she thinks to herself and finds a determination, fed by her love, that partially displaces her nervousness. I’m going to marry him and give him everything he could ever want. Children? As many as he wants. Or no children. I’ll work for him in any shitty job or he’ll leave me at home as… what do you call it… trophy wife? His wife. Yes.

“Everything OK?” His gaze is half-hidden behind the menu as if he doesn’t really dare to speak to her. Lisa shakes her head quickly, then nods.

“Yes. Yes, everything’s OK. I was just… thinking…” How can she tell him that she imagines a whole life with him? This is their first date for god’s sake. His own words. They’ve known each other for maybe two hours. This is all just as crazy as it feels right. On the one hand, what she wants is completely wrong, everyone would warn her against making these decisions, even Ethan, she is sure of that. But she wants it. It doesn’t feel like an addiction, something you know is wrong but you have no other choice. Lisa Hendricks has a choice and she made it. She chose Ethan. And it is so simple in her head, the simplest solution to the biggest problem. But she can’t tell him that.

Because Lisa recognizes something she was not able to do before. And it embarrasses her.

“Doubts?” asks Ethan and lowers the menu. He smiles at her and Lisa falls in love with him again and again, his smile, his looks, his voice, everything. Everything about him feels right.

But he doesn’t believe it. Her eyes widen a little, her back straightens and her legs relax, no longer rubbing nervously against each other but resting lightly on top of each other. Here she sits, young, beautiful, nervous and so infinitely in love. But she knows where she stands. She sees Ethan in front of her, sees him in her future and in her present. But there he looks different than in the smart suit at their wedding.

He doesn’t believe it, Lisa realizes as her pupils dilate in shock. She manages not to react to this realization as Ethan looks at her with a smile, the card limp in his hands. He thinks I’m lying to him. He has never experienced anything like this and… And he… Unlike Lisa, Ethan doesn’t have the luxury of this incredibly intense feeling of love. He is alone.

It’s true, Lisa hasn’t known Ethan for long. But she realizes that. And she has heard enough stories from Maddison, her friends – all lesbians and feminists. Lisa always smiled at that, but now she sees it in his eyes. Ethan can’t imagine that someone like Lisa could find him attractive, could… love him. She doesn’t know why, who did it, but she sees that her feelings, as captivating as they are for her, don’t have the same effect on Ethan. No matter how sure she is of her decision, Ethan is in free fall.

Lisa thought she was the one whose world was turned upside down, but she has found a way. Ethan’s world, on the other hand, is falling apart.

---

“Oh… Oh Ethan…” She quickly lowers her menu, leaves it carelessly on the table and turns to her great love.

“It would be okay,” he says and smiles, just as warmly and kindly as he did before. And Lisa realizes that it is a defense mechanism. Has it been like this all this time? Or just now? But there is no time to think. “Otherwise I would have been worried.” That smile again.

Lisa shakes her head. All her nervousness falls away. She is a lesbian and has no idea about boys. She is married but wants to separate. Anything for this boy. Lisa knows what she wants, there is no reason to be nervous. And so she can concentrate fully on Ethan.

“No, Ethan,” she says calmly, her voice full of self-assurance, warmth and patience. “I have never been so sure in my life.”

“Okay… Yes? Okay… Then…” He rubs the back of his head as he comes to terms with having to ‘put up with’ the crazy Asian lesbian woman a little longer.

“Can I make a suggestion?” Lisa asks, feeling good.

“Of course.” And now it is she who smiles, perhaps not in the loving way that she would like to live out so much, but perhaps in exactly the same way that Ethan is doing right now. “This is our first date and I can already say that I would like to have a second one with you. I really liked that you helped me with those shoes. I wanted to look good for you and didn’t think too much about it. So thank you for your help.”

“Okay… Yes… You’re welcome.” He smiles. Maybe a little warmer? Lisa continues.

“So how about you show me the best things to order here and we just have a nice evening?”

“That’s a fabulous idea,” laughs Ethan, his shoulders visibly relaxing as his face shows her his grinning teeth.

Yes, she thinks to herself. That’s much better. And hey, if I don’t screw it up, I’ll get a second date. And then… No, don’t think about that now. But maybe… Isn’t it too early for… Well, who cares?

“And I also liked that you liked these,” Lisa whispers, resting her elbows on the table, so close together that her breasts almost fall out of her dress. It’s a risky move for a well-behaved woman like her, but she likes it and giggles happily with his stunned reaction.

Women have given Lisa many reactions to her breasts, bare or covered. And she has many ideas about what men would feel and say if she were ever interested in men. She isn’t. She is interested in Ethan, this one, special man. And he has a really great reaction to her two big breasts, which are heavy and bold between her arms.

My God, I love this man so much…

---

The next part of their first date goes so perfectly that Lisa begins to wonder if it’s her control, the lack of it, or just Ethan. Either way, it’s a wonderful time. The two talk. About simple things.

Lisa guides the conversation in what she hopes is a feminine and gentle way. She asks fewer questions and prefers to respond to the approaches Ethan offers her. When he starts talking about his family dog, Lisa is impressed that he has managed to train him to obey his commands.

“The trick is the reward,” he says, beaming at the thought of his success. “You have to give him treats to hook him to you and then you need really tasty treats to give him when he does something well.”

“And what about punishment?” asks Lisa and leans forward on the table, actually interested. Her breasts flash again but this time she doesn’t even notice. She is too engrossed in listening to her love and it doesn’t even occur to her to pretend that Ethan is of interest to her. What he says sounds simply wonderful and the way he says it shows her that she has found a place at his side.

“Absolutely not,” her (hopefully) soon-to-be boyfriend protests. “That won’t do any good. No, positive reinforcement. Like with a child. And like with a child, you have to react before it does something you don’t want to.”

“So you can raise children and dogs the same? I hadn’t thought of that.”

“Oh yes. I think so. Okay, everyone raises their children differently. But I think that…” And so he talks about children and Lisa presses her thighs together again, just so she doesn’t bang her delicate fists on the table in joy. Instead, she settles for nibbling her lips and looking him in the eyes, on ate a time,s witching between them while smiling contently. It’s so perfect. Everything is so perfect. He is so perfect.

She listens to his words, nods, laughs, giggles, grins, looks serious, agrees, disagrees, asks questions. Then she suddenly gives her opinion, honestly, spontaneously. And Ethan reacts to it, receives the opinion, accepts it, talks to it, asks questions, laughs, grins.

And then suddenly the waiter is standing in front of them. Lisa has to blink. How long have they been talking? It seemed as if they had been talking for hours.

“What can I bring the happy couple?” Ethan looks at Lisa. She was actually just trying to tell him that big sisters can be good too, something he can’t quite understand. She looks at him and waits for him to contradict the waiter, the two are not a couple. But Ethan turns to the young man and orders his noodles.

“What do you want, honey?” But Lisa can’t answer.

He didn’t contradict. The waiter now thinks we are a couple. Maybe just started dating… in love and… together.

“Lisa?” A flash of lightning flashes through the young woman as he puts his fingers on her hand and without thinking she turns her hand around and takes his in hers.

“I completely forgot to read the menu,” she admits without taking her eyes off Ethan. The waiter is probably rolling his eyes inwardly, but she doesn’t care.

“I can come back later,” he offers, but Lisa shakes her head.

“I’m starving.”

“Oh no,” Ethan exclaims and grins cheekily. “Then… may I?” For Lisa, it’s as if life has come full circle, as if she were back in front of the restaurant, almost falling on her face and safe and sound in his strong arms.

“Hias…” she whimpers and clears her throat. “Yes, please…” Should she dare? But her mouth, her burning desire, the only desire she has, is faster. “Honey.” And Ethan smiles.

And orders a pizza for her.

“You’ll like it,” he assures her. “Hey.” With his thumb over the back of her hand, he brings Lisa out of her dream world.

“What?” she asks, dreamily.

“I said you’ll like the pizza.”

“Yes.” She looks dreamily at Ethan, loses herself in his eyes again and forgets what she wanted to say. “I completely forgot what I wanted to say.” That… didn’t I already say that… God his eyes… and his smile… No! You stupid goose! Concentrate! You mustn’t lose yourself or the date might not end well! Stupid Lisa! Stupid Lisa!

“Shit,” grins Ethan.

And strokes her cheek.

Flashes of love, passion and lust run through her body, animate her mind, warm her heart… and bathe her lap in fiery water.

“Actually, we were just talking about…” He clears his throat quietly. “Babies.” But then his eyes change. Lisa is busy pulling herself together but his movements on her overheated skin make it difficult. She feels hot and cold at the same time and she struggles not to sigh in love but to continue to be a good conversationalist.

“But I think you want to talk about something else.”

“What?” That brings Lisa out of her stupor. “No! I want to keep talking about… that…” But Ethan shakes his head and only his encouraging grin keeps Lisa from despairing.

“I think you want to talk to me about your feelings, don’t you?” A shy nod, she isn’t capable of more. She quickly takes a breath, wants to shout it out, but keeps her mouth shut.

“I don’t want to ruin the mood,” she murmurs and lowers her head. Then her body sags a little more as Ethan pulls her arm towards him.

“Hey. Look at me.” And she succeeds immediately. No matter how sad she is, Ethan has asked for something from her, demanded something, or whatever, and Lisa obeys immediately. “Don’t think I don’t know what you did for me earlier,” he says with a mischievous grin. “That was… by far… the best conversation I’ve had with a girl in a long time. Thank you for that. You really aren’t like the others.”

“The others?” But Ethan doesn’t say anything, just keeps looking at her intently. “Is… Is that… good… or…” Then he lowers his head, Lisa’s hands still in his, while his shoulders twitch wildly with laughter. Then he raises his head again.

“Yes. Lisa. That’s something good.” She can’t help but squeal quietly. “I don’t think you’re pretending. You’re in too good a mood for that.” Again that smile, like before, but this time something changes. Lisa’s eyes widen when she recognizes it. Something falls off Ethan and underneath it the person Lisa had so hoped was Ethan appears. And she was right. Now the real Ethan is sitting in front of her. “Tell me about it, Lisa. Why do you love me?”

by Writing Shark

Give me a Ping, Vassily. One Ping only please.

Loud music fills the interior of her car as Lisa drives home singing loudly through the traffic. The way home is not far but Lisa takes her time, sings, laughs, drums on the steering wheel and is happy. Actually, she’s not the wild type, that’s more her wife, but her emotions are going crazy and making her dream the most colorful fantasies. It’s almost as if she’s high, experiencing an intoxicating trip, but that’s just how love is, especially the love she feels for Ethan. And she told him! Now it’s out. And it feels so good!

Her favorite part comes in her favorite song and at a red light she is watched from both sides as her face warms with happiness. An old couple and a commuter coming home from work see Lisa screaming her love and both parties are happy for the young woman who is obviously head over heels in love.

“I love him!” she calls out again and again. Then an angry honk sounds from behind her, she has forgotten the traffic light. “Sorry!” she calls out without the driver behind her being able to hear her. “But I’m in love! And it’s so beautiful!” But the angry driver also shows her that it’s not good for her to let herself go like that. What if she has an accident? Then she might end up in the hospital and miss her date with Ethan!

Or would he come to visit me? Lisa squeals like a guinea pig at the thought of Ethan visiting her in the hospital. He would make sure she was OK, would hold her in his arms. And then he would warn me to be more careful. I am important to him and he doesn’t want anything to happen to me.

Yes, the angry driver from earlier was definitely right with his outburst. Lisa tries to concentrate. After all, she is ‘only’ in love. She can stand this lie for maybe a minute, then she starts grinning like a madwoman again.

“I love him. Hehe.” Lisa turns into the street where she lives with her wife. Their salaries allow them to rent an expensive, large house on the outskirts of the city, but Lisa stays in the driveway in her car.

Yes. She loves Ethan. For some crazy reason that she doesn’t understand, she loves Ethan more than anything else in her life. More than herself and much more than she loves her wife.

And Lisa is a lesbian. The thought of other men doesn’t bother her any more than a straight man knows that he doesn’t want anal sex with another man. Of course, it’s generally more fluid with women, Lisa knows that, but not with her. She is a lesbian.

“And I love a man. This one man. Hehe. I love Ethan.”

It doesn’t matter why it happened, the fact is, it is so and she still has plenty of opportunity to question this crazy twist of fate. But she won’t do that. Lisa knows her feelings and it’s not about why, but how.

She sits in her car for a long time, at peace with her feelings but not with her actions.

“I spoke to him and told him that I love him,” she realizes. “At our first meeting!” Groaning, she puts her head on the steering wheel. “Damn.” Does Ethan now think she’s some crazy person, a creep who approaches mindless victims in a Starbucks? “Why didn’t you do it smarter? You’re usually so clever. Damn, Lisa!”

But Ethan seems to have handled the whole thing well. Sure, he probably thinks she’s a little crazy, but his look…

Nobody has ever looked at me like that, she realizes in the silence of her thoughts.

“As if I were the best thing in the world.” Another giggle. “I love him.” Then she shakes her head. “We’ve been through all that before. Concentrate, Lisa.”

The question is how.

How did she speak to him? In a crazy way, completely clueless and helpless. She can’t save that point. But Ethan saved it for her and she’s grateful to him for that.

“Okay. Go on. How did I tell him that… that I love him? Shit.” Just as clueless. And he knows that she has a wife. “What does he think of me?” Shocked, she realizes the truth that she should have internalized long ago. If she’s ready to give up her marriage for him… “Oh God… Does he think I would just give him up like that too?” Joy turns to worry. He must see that I love him more than anything in the world. Does he know? Have I told him? Have I made it clear enough what he means to me? Should I show him more? Or less? What if it’s already too much? He certainly doesn’t want a clingy psycho bitch who he has to be careful not to wake up one morning without his hair.

“Damn,” growls the beautiful girl in the privacy of her car. These damn feelings. She would love to call him and apologize. But what if he doesn’t like that either? What if he wants to be left alone? Lisa doesn’t know the answer to that question. It wasn’t that difficult with Maddison. With the two of them, Maddison always led the steps that led to their wedding.

And now Lisa will sever that bond forever. Everything for a boy. A boy! A boy she may have already scared away.

---

Lisa starts to cry. A little at first, her shoulders twitch and her lips tremble. Then more sobs and her stomach cramps. Then the tears come, unstoppable and unrestrained.

Lisa cries for several minutes. She cries for her chance with Ethan, slim and small because of her behavior. She cries for her sexuality, everything that was clear her whole life is in disarray. She cries for the joy she feels even when there is sadness. She cries because she can’t make a decision, but has already decided.

And of course she cries for her relationship with Maddison.

Lisa and Maddison love each other. But Lisa loves Ethan more.

She can never go back to what was.

And she doesn’t want to.

She doesn’t know what the future holds, but she knows that she can make it work. And she wants it. So much.

Maddison will understand. She is beautiful and smart. She will understand that there are feelings, just too small to mean anything anymore.

And Lisa cries because she knows full well that none of that matters.

Lisa loves Ethan. That is the truth. And everything else doesn’t matter.

Another look in the mirror.

“Please forgive me,” she whispers, not knowing who she is turning to. Her parents? Maddison? Ethan? Herself? Maybe everyone. “But it has to be.” She sniffles hard and rubs her eyes. “I want it that way.” Then she smiles again. “Yes. I want it.”

She sits there for a few minutes, trying not to think, not to feel, trying to calm herself down.

She thinks about Ethan. Not the meeting. She thinks about the future.

“Yes. I can do it,” she says to herself and grips the steering wheel tighter. “I can do it.”

You are strong, Lisa. You will find a way. For Ethan and for Maddison and for you.

Images of the future move in her head and calm the young woman. She imagines the two of them, Ethan in a smart suit, she in a long white dress… very traditional for heterosexual couples. The two of them together in a house, a new house in the suburbs. A garden party. Ethan at the grill with his friends, Lisa surrounded by her family and friends.

These thoughts are what drive her. It doesn’t matter how she acted when she met him. Okay, it might not have been so clever to tell him straight away that she loves him… But it’s the truth, Lisa feels it in every trace of her body.

Finally she gets out and goes into the house. Maddison has gone out, Lisa is alone. She stands briefly in the entrance and doesn’t know what to do. Instinctively her hand twitches towards her handbag, the cell phone in it. She wants to call Ethan, wants to tell him that she has chosen him, wants to hear his voice, his laughter.

But not yet. She arches her back and goes into her study room, which she uses when she brings work home. She doesn’t dare go into the bedroom, even though there is a PC there too. She prefers to use this one. There aren’t that many memories of Maddison here.

“Honey…” That will come too. But not now. There is a lot to do, a lot, and it helps to start with the easiest task. “Okay… But which one…” Lisa lowers her gaze with effort, thinking.

---

“Okay. First things first. Your feelings.” It is late afternoon and actually a bit early for wine, but Lisa needs the drink to calm her nerves. Besides, she has never done anything like this before, catching herself a man. “Feelings.”

In any case, she must not blame Ethan for the emotional chaos she is in at the moment. It is her responsibility, after all, she has chosen this path. Of course she will ask Ethan for help, she does not want to start her relationship with her great love with secrets.

And yes, she has decided that she wants a relationship with Ethan. A marriage. For the rest of her life. There is no point in denying it and she would hurt everyone she knows, especially Maddison.

“Maddison… My sweet love…” She will break up with her. There is no other way. Lisa briefly imagines that she would be… together with Ethan… and Maddison… But love doesn’t work like that and she could never let her wife play second fiddle while Lisa adores her great love. That would be fatal and Lisa would rather live with the knowledge that she has caused pain to her former love, perhaps even with Maddison’s hatred, than suggest a path that would be better only for herself.

Besides, she wouldn’t be the one making the decisions in this relationship.

Maybe it’s a kind of punishment that she wants to impose on herself, but right after she decided that Ethan was the one for her, she decided that he would be the one to decide about their relationship.

Lisa is a lesbian, doesn’t know much about boys, and she’s afraid to submit to him. But it’s also the right thing to do. She doesn’t know boys, she loves Ethan, but that can’t be mutual. She knows almost nothing about him, actually just his name, what he looks like, and that he has a friend. Lisa knows that she will stay with him forever, but if that is to happen, then she has to accept that the idea of ​​love, a white dress, and a house together might not be what Ethan wants. He seems so nice, tender, devoted, but that could just be Lisa’s idea, a figment of her imagination. And she won’t base her future relationship, whatever it may look like, on figments of her imagination.

No. If Ethan wants something from her that she can’t give him right away… then she will learn to give it to him.

She paces restlessly up and down her study room. If only she had something to calm herself down, something that smells of him. But she has nothing but the determination to manage to have him in her life.

“Sex!” She is a little surprised that this thought has come to her so suddenly. On the other hand, she notices the twitching between her thighs since the moment he agreed to a date. Lisa has no idea what sex with a boy is like, neither tenderly nor otherwise. How does she want to go about it?

Her eyes slowly wander to her work PC. Maddison wouldn’t notice if she… She knows nothing about sex with boys, about penises and penetration, never had to learn it, was never interested in… penises and… penetration…

It’s different with Ethan. With him, she is… interested. She looks down. There is a throbbing between her legs and her forehead darkens a little as she fights the urge to touch herself. Another look at the PC. She should get informed. Just for objective reasons. Completely normal in a relationship. It is even her duty to get informed.

She quickly sits down in front of the PC.

And waits…

Ethan knows that she is a lesbian. Does that mean he also knows that she is inexperienced? And maybe he wants it that way? Her hands are already hovering over the keyboard, ready to type the four magic letters. P.O.R.N. But she hesitates.

Maybe he wants me to be inexperienced? What would he do if I already knew everything? Don’t men want to teach women something? Even… sex?

She only knows it from her parents and grandparents. Both have only been married once and are together with their partners. And both come from a time when there was no or very limited internet. Maybe it’s better if she is inexperienced and naive. After all, she still has her virginity… with a man, at least. And Lisa is admittedly quite proud to be able to give Ethan this gift.

Yes, make up your mind. It’s the first date. He can decide how he wants me, then I can get information or… train… And if he wants me right away… then that’s just how it is.

Lisa already realizes what a monumental task it is to get Ethan to like her. But that’s the way it is with people you love, you make sacrifices for them. Lisa also made sacrifices for Maddison, she was happy to do so, but there were always limits that she set. Strapons, for example, were something that Maddison, as the Dom of the relationship, wanted to try out, but Lisa didn’t feel comfortable with.

Not so with Ethan, and Lisa realizes that it’s not just her love that led her to give herself to him. It’s also her lust, and submission is the best way to get rid of the bad feeling in her stomach. She doesn’t want to feel like that when Ethan is around, and the sooner the date happens, the sooner she can start her new life. And even if it might be bad for Maddison and her parents, Lisa knows it’s the right decision.

She will be patient, won’t put pressure on him, and will do what he says to make their relationship work. What the relationship looks like will become clear later. Lisa loves Ethan so much, she will accept whatever he decides.

She will be the best girlfriend he could wish for. Sweet, kind, supportive and sexy as hell. And everything else he wants.

With a song on her lips, Lisa starts to move. She needs it, just like in the car. The good feelings are important. The good feelings are the reason why she does it. And she knows, knows it’s right.

With her eyes closed and a dreamy smile, she dances through her room, then her apartment. Finally, she puts her Air Pods in her ears and falls completely into the world she wants to live in from now on.

She will have a heterosexual relationship.

She will love a man.

She will be a good woman to him, a wife, if he wants her to.

She will do anything for him, because she loves him or because he wants her to.

She will make sure that Maddison and her parents will understand, and if not, the pain will not be so great for them.

Then she will go to him, Ethan, and make sure that he knows that she loves him.

She will support him in everything he does.

She will be the perfect girlfriend.

And then Ethan’s life will be better, and hers too, and maybe Maddison’s too if she understands that their love wasn’t meant to be.

All the rest are questions that Ethan can answer. Who knows? Maybe he will allow her to have contact with Maddison. That is unlikely, after all she is her ex. But one thing is certain: Lisa will support him, regardless of whether he loves her as much as she loves him or whether he just wants to possess her.

And the thought hardly scares her anymore. Ethan could love her, she is sure of that. But whether he does it is up to him.

And what if he loves someone else? Not me?

But this question is answered, as is the question of whether she should break up with Maddison.

Lisa’s love for Ethan is so complete and perfect, there is no alternative for her. Anything else would plunge her and everyone she loves into darkness. She will not allow that. And if that means that Ethan doesn’t love her but someone else…

But she can’t think about that. Because suddenly her wife is standing in front of her.

---

“Hello, darling.” Maddison’s smile is as beautiful and enchanting as ever and Lisa loves her as much as she always has. Only she loves Ethan more and when she pulls her Air Pods out of her ears in shock, she is just glad that her wife hasn’t hugged her.

“What are you doing here?” asks Lisa, surprised. “Didn’t you want to party?”

“Right.” Maddison starts moving around the apartment and Lisa realizes that she danced into the kitchen in her amorous behavior. “Just taking a quick break between rounds,” her wife says, rummaging through the fridge. “Ah.” She pulls out a bottle of water, then comes over to Lisa and kisses her on the cheek. Lisa just manages not to freeze and knows that the kiss feels good. But more would be like cheating on Ethan, her future husband, just like she would cheat on Maddison by confirming her love. “The girls are waiting outside in the car.” She turns away from Lisa, but then turns back around. “We’ll see you in the morning, okay?” Lisa just nods and Maddison turns to leave.

“Wait!” Lisa feels a knot in her stomach but she has to do it.

“Woa,” her wife says as Lisa hugs her tightly.

“I love you,” the young woman whispers. It’s the truth. “And I’m glad that you’re always there for me.”

“Of course, honey,” Maddison confirms and rubs her wife’s back.

Then she leaves her alone and both women are – for different reasons – happy to be able to spend the evening alone. Maddison because she can party… And Lisa…

---

‘Hey Ethan. Actually, you’re only supposed to get in touch after three days… Or the man should, right? But whatever. I wanted to get in touch and thank you again for the great day. I know it all came so suddenly and I really could have handled it better. So… Thank you for your patience with me.’ And… send. And immediately the nervousness sets in again. But it had to be done, writing a text is the right thing she can do now, Lisa is sure of that. And now she just has to wait. If he doesn’t write back to her, then she doesn’t know…

Ping!

Lisa almost drops her phone from her hand but she quickly catches it.

‘Hey.’

“Eeeeeep…” Her butt on the comfortable living room sofa, her legs kick in the air and she presses her phone tightly to her chest. It’s only a short message but more than she had hoped for. The phone rings again.

‘I had a nice day too. Meeting you was really something special.’

“Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod!” She jumps to her feet with momentum, only to sit down again immediately and hammer a reply into her phone.

‘Thank you for giving me this chance, Ethan! I want to do everything right but I know we didn’t get off to a good start. Sorry.’ The phone shows that Ethan is typing a reply, and he keeps typing… and more. ‘Would you like to ask me something?’ She writes quickly to be helpful. ‘I know there are a lot of things I didn’t explain properly.’ This time the answer comes quickly.

‘It’s okay. Really. And thanks for your help, Lisa.’

“He says my name. Ethan, I love you,” she whispers, her cheeks red and her stomach throbbing. She feels like she did in high school when she was texting her crush, a pretty blonde who was straight. But this time her chances are better and that makes Lisa happy. Then Ethan writes again and she concentrates. She has an idea what questions are coming and she owes it to him to answer them.

‘I have to say it’s easier to sort this out over the phone.’ A pause, then the next message. ‘So you’re actually a lesbian? Or bi? I know you don’t ask that, but you know.’ He’s as sweet as he writes it, a real gentleman. At least Lisa hopes so, but the first impression gives her this confidence.

‘Yes,’ she writes quickly. ‘I’ve been a lesbian my whole life. And actually I still am. But not for you.’ The decision to just be open and honest was easy for her. She had already made the situation complicated enough and Ethan should be able to decide whether he likes her too. ‘You are special. I like you. Really a lot.’ She still had to write that but at least she is glad she didn’t use the L-word.

‘Yes. Thank you. I really like hearing that.’ Lisa frowns as she reads the message. Another mistake. She writes an apology, but he is faster and she waits, not wanting to derail the conversation with dozens of messages at the same time. ‘It’s always great when someone as pretty as you speaks to me, really. But you can probably guess my question?’

‘You’re probably wondering why I didn’t let you come to me straight away,’ writes Lisa. ‘That was a mistake. I was just so shocked when I saw you. I couldn’t believe it and my feelings for you totally overwhelmed me.’ Send.

‘That’s not what I meant!’ Lisa is a little startled, as if Ethan had really shouted at her.

‘I’m sorry Ethan. Please tell me what you mean.’ The messages come in rapid fire.

‘You’re a lesbian!’

‘You have a wife for god’s sake!’

‘You say you love me!’

‘What’s going on here?’ Lisa wants to answer him. It’s actually simple, she knows what she wants to say, the truth. But she also feels bad that Ethan feels this way. She can’t understand it, but somehow she can. At least the part about love. But before she can apologize again, Ethan continues writing and Lisa sees the message pop up worriedly.

‘No, I’m sorry that I’m freaking out like this. Please understand that this isn’t an everyday situation for me, okay? You are incredibly cute and someone like you doesn’t talk to someone like me, do you understand?’

‘I understand Ethan,’ Lisa writes quickly. She wants to explain herself to him, wants to make things better between the two. ‘I can only tell you what I feel and yes, it took me a while to understand it. But I meant what I said. Everything.’ She sends the message hopefully. She had expected everything but the fact that Ethan can’t believe that she feels that way feels terrible. She understands, at least in theory, but what can she do to make him believe her?

‘Are you kidding me, Lisa? Is this something to get revenge on me? These things don’t happen to people like me and it’s more likely that you have something else in mind than what you’re telling me right now.’

The young woman puts her hands over her mouth as she reads the message. She can practically feel the pain in his words. And here she sits, worrying about her life while the love of her life thinks she’s a mean, evil person.

“Ethan… My God…” Her fingers press against her lips as she reads the text. She can’t answer. What should she say to him? The truth won’t help here, but she certainly won’t lie to him. But if she doesn’t say anything, then he might think she’s the way he says and…

‘I really want to tell you how I feel, Ethan. I know that all of this may seem unbelievable. I won’t try to persuade you. But can you please give me a chance to prove myself to you?’ She stops for a moment. This is not how she had imagined it all, but she thinks she understands where Ethan is coming from. It doesn’t help. Lisa understands that it is her responsibility to prove herself to Ethan if she wants the future she wants for both of them. ‘Please can I ask you out on a date? Very casually, at a place of your choosing. No matter what time or what conditions. And yes, I don’t know you well. But I want to prove myself to you, show you that my feelings are real. Please tell me what I can do to earn your trust.’ Send. Wait.

It is torture for the young woman. She sits in front of her cell phone and hopes, prays that she has written enough. Or has she written too much? Too little?

‘It would really mean a lot to me if you gave me this gift, Ethan. Please.’

She just can’t stop and writes even more. What is wrong with her? She should wait and react to Ethan. He should decide and what happens if she has put pressure on him now?

‘Okay.’ Lisa stares at her cell phone, speechless. ‘I trust you. You are as beautiful as a miracle and I would like to find out if you are as beautiful on the inside as you seem.’

She doesn’t know how long she stares at the screen, minutes, hours. It is as if all her wishes are coming true at once.

‘Okay?’ he asks. ‘Lisa? Are you still there?’

‘Yes,’ she writes. ‘I just can’t believe it.’

‘You can’t believe it? Okay.’ and a laughing smiley. And then… ‘I want to do this very quickly if you don’t mind. Tomorrow?’

‘Yes! Whenever you want! I want to see you as soon as possible too!’

‘Okay. Tomorrow evening? 6 p.m.? I know a restaurant we can go to.’

‘Yes! Thanks!’ She quickly writes another message. ‘Yes!’

‘You already said that.’ Another laughing smiley. Lisa stands up, turns in a circle and wipes her face. This time she knows that they are tears of joy.

‘I won’t disappoint you, Ethan.’

‘I believe you. And I’m looking forward to seeing you again. And it’s nice that we’re talking about nice things now.’

‘Yes! Those are really nice things! I’m so happy that we’re talking!’

‘We can talk more tomorrow.’

‘Yes! Whatever you like! I’ll answer everything you ask me! Thank you for trusting me!’

‘Thank you for giving me a chance.’

‘Always! But… for what?’

‘Haha, really?’

---

It goes on like this for another two hours but neither of them realizes it. Apparently they both needed a good, carefree ending and even though Lisa didn’t answer all the questions, Ethan didn’t ask any more and also seemed to enjoy talking to Lisa about nothing important.

The young woman, on the other hand, realizes that the decision to choose him, to put her happiness in his hands, was the right decision.

She can hardly wait for tomorrow.

by Writing Shark

Like the fires of Minas Tirith

Maybe you died and woke up in another world? Or some kind of virus changed you and now incredibly pretty girls like you? You raise your eyes and take a closer look.

Holy… fucking… hell…

Long, soft brown hair falls over her body like water. Dark brown with light brown, subtle streaks that give her a natural elegance that catches your eye, but at the same time doesn’t scream for attention. But with her hazel, deep, clear eyes, she doesn’t have to. Her face is well-groomed and if you weren’t blown away by her natural beauty as if Mike Tyson had smashed your brains to mush, you would be uncomfortable with your shabby outfit and unkempt appearance. But instead you notice her pressed, lightly made-up lips that seem to be fighting either to smile or pout. The gesture brings out the fine lines of her face that harmonize so well with her cute nose. Everything is mixed in that hint of dark taint that you don’t know if it’s the sun or her heritage, which you are (hopefully) sure has something Asian about it. She wears a black blazer with a white blouse and black skirt. The blazer is unbuttoned and underneath are her perfect…

No! Don’t look! She’ll kill you if you stare at her breasts now!

“Hey.” A hand reaches past you. “Alistair.” His smug grin is disgusting. And exactly what you need now. He’ll take over the conversation and…

“Hey.” She looks at him for maybe half a second, then her eyes land on you again. You blink stupidly. Did you miss something here? She doesn’t look like she’s about to lecture you about feminism and strong women and weak men, she’s too nervous for that, standing shakingly in front of your table. Have you embarrassed her that much? You don’t know. Pretty women are something you don’t have much to do with. She extends her hand to you, strongly, almost impaling you on her fingers. Or maybe it’s because you’re in public? Does she not want to make a scene? Or is it something else?

“Ethan?” You look at Alistair. His smug grin has a hard time not turning into an amused laugh. “One returns a gesture made in peace.” You look at the girl. She still holds out her arm to you like a loaded weapon. Clumsy, nervous, lips pressed together. But her eyes are fixed and intense on you as if they were…

Is she checking me out? That can’t be. Or… Oh yeah, the gesture.

In fact, you still remember basic human behavior.

“Hey.” Alistair grunts amusedly but you ignore him.

Shit, her skin is perfect! And her hand is so delicate. Incredible. And… Does it smell like… peach? Wait… what… Shit! How long has the handshake been going on? Let her go immediately!

Your fingers loosen…

But the girl holds you tight.

“I’m Lisa,” she says, her eyes on you. Her fingers tighten around your hand a little, never letting you go. She really doesn’t want to let you go. Is she preparing an attack with pepper spray? Or is someone secretly filming?

“Alistair,” your friend introduces himself, but is ignored.

“Ethan,” you say, but it sounds like a dry cough, like you have a pound of flour in your mouth.

“Ethan…” the girl whispers while still moving your hand up and down like a zombie. Her face relaxes a little and a slight, almost imperceptible smile spreads across her lips.

Scratch that. She smiles, broadly and happily.

“I’m Lisa.” You already know that.

Is… Is she… nervous? What… the…

“Hey Lisa.” Her smile also gets wider. “I’m Ethan.”

What the fuck is happening here!

“I know.” And she laughs. Tenderly. Warmly. And she tucks her hair behind her ear, tilts her head a little. She struggles with herself.

Then she lets your hand go…

And sits down next to you.

Holy mother of God. What the… But you already had that.

“Oh!” Only now does she realize her mistake and quickly stands up again. “Can I sit down?”

“Eh…”

“Yes!” Alistair laughs. You need this intervention and Alistair looks at you with such an amused expression that you can’t help but agree with him. But then you feel Lisa’s light body next to you.

You slide a little… She slides back to your side.

I’m dead… I’m dead…

“Is that okay with you?” she asks and looks at you apologetically. You nod like an idiot.

“Great.” But she grins like someone who has just done something really great. And then she laughs. High pitches and soooo god. Damn. Cute. You could die here on the spot. It almost happens because she grunts a little and holds her nose. “Sorry.”

“For what?” you ask, noticing out of the corner of your eye how Alistair leans back comfortably and looks for a waitress.

“So Lisa, tell us. Why are you here?” Again, the girl doesn’t pay any attention to Alistair and you only look at him briefly before you notice that Lisa isn’t taking her eyes off you. The look in her deep brown eyes scans you as closely as a laser scan and her face has an expression of wonder and curiosity that makes her look so realy, realy… like really sexy. But then she notices that the ball is in her side and clears her throat.

“Oh. Yes.” To call her happy would be an understatement of cosmic proportions. “Actually I was waiting for…”

Oh no… what…

A change takes place in the girl that surprises you, then worries you and finally makes you breathe a little faster. Your stomach turns as you see the happiness drain from her face and it seems as if she is realizing something. It’s bad enough that her eyes lower and look at the table.

“Yes…” Then she looks up and there is something serious and urgent in it. “Ethan.” She is struggling with herself, even you in your stupor can see it. “Can I talk to you?”

“But of course,” you say helpfully, but Alistair and Lisa shake their heads at the same time.

“Then I guess I’ll pay for our drinks,” Alistair groans playfully and stands up. Then he nods with you. “Ethan. Are you coming?” he asks innocently. Lisa is about to slide off her seat, but stays seated when she sees Alistair. “He’ll be right back.”

“Yes,” says the pretty girl. Then your friend pulls you with him.

---

“Fuck, what’s going on here?” you ask, astonished, and shake your head. “Thanks for getting me out of there. This chick is definitely crazy. We should get out and…”

“Wow…” says the cashier as Alistar grabs you hard by the collar.

“What’s happening here?” he hisses at you like a poisonous snake. “That’s called ‘winning’, Ethan. Did your father never ask you that when he came into your room uninvited?”

“What? Huh?” Alistait grabs you even harder.

“You’re going to listen to me very carefully now. Got it?” You just nod stupidly. “This girl likes you, got it?” Stupid nod. “And you’re not going to ruin it by telling yourself you’re not worth it? Yes?” Stupid nod. “This is an opportunity, Ethan. And a big one. You have to take advantage of it!” Stupid nod. “Look at her!” He grabs you and turns you around on the spot.

There’s a guy standing next to Lisa and leaning down towards her.

“She’s already being courted by others. And… Fuck!… Exactly what I thought. Do you understand what’s happening right now?” The guy looks great, you wouldn’t stand a chance against him physically. Lisa smiles at him… and shakes her head. “She’s rejecting him! A man who looks much better than you!” Before you can say anything, you’re whirled around again and look into Alistair’s manically grinning face. “This is a dream, Ethan. Your dream! Make it a reality! Now!” And then he simply pushes you away from him in the direction of the girl. Lisa.

---

“Here he comes,” you hear her quiet voice. She seems so fragile, verbally and physically. But she shatters the hopes of the man in front of her as she looks at you, overjoyed. The man shrugs his shoulders and turns away. He’ll probably have someone else on his arm in a few hours.

You, on the other hand…

“Hey,” you say.

“Hey,” Lisa says. And smile. Damn that smile. “Shall we?” She points to the door. “Please?”

Lord in heaven… Fuck…

---

There is a small lake, not far from where this crazy event took place. You used to always stroll around the lake with your (now ex-) girlfriend and talk (usually you) until you two got fed up (usually her). It was a good time and good times leave the deepest wounds. Unfortunately there are many such places in your city, but the lake is in the top 10. So why are you here now? Because it was an opportunity?

Or because you are hoping for something?

“It is very beautiful here.” Lisa’s voice penetrates your ear through the sadness. It sounds tender and careful. “Thank you many times for making time and doing this.” She smiles at you so sweetly, a bit of teeth and a rosy color on her cheeks as she strolls along beside you, her hands clasped in her lap and her gaze intensely directed at you. She looks a bit out of place in her business attire but you do too with your ‘outfit’. It seems as if she wants to enjoy every second with you and your grim behavior only seems to reinforce her caution.

“Sure,” you murmur and look out over the lake while groups of people, individual pedestrians or cyclists share the path with you. It’s hectic here but Lisa doesn’t seem to notice any of that as her brown eyes glide over your face and body.

And then neither of you says anything and a silence that is at first normal, then a little bit, and then very uncomfortable, spreads between you. Lisa is clearly worried about saying something, after all she almost kidnapped you on this walk. You are just too stupid, caught between your dark thoughts that you so desperately want to get rid of and…

And there is the definite attraction that you have to the sweet, reserved girl with the rosy cheeks, the straight hair and the deep eyes.

And the incredible breasts… and… her ass… Fuck! No! Not that!

Another shake of head. That is exactly what you are worried about. That is exactly what you want to avoid. Another love affair or a one-night stand that leads to nothing. Another broken heart. You feel encouraged not to let it get that far. You would not be able to cope with another defeat in your condition, you feel like a wounded soldier with the last wave of enemy attacks rolling towards you, unstoppable and merciless. You don’t want the pain of a breakup again.

And you don’t want Lisa to feel the same.

You stop for a moment

Where is that coming from?

But you know it. Despite all the efforts of your ex-girlfriend and her best friend, you still believe that you’re a pretty good person. Okay, you would welcome it if certain buildings in this and other cities, the two girls’ living spaces, went up in flames, but Lisa…

“It’s okay,” you say and turn your head. It must have taken a long time for you to continue speaking, but Lisa looks at you and is obviously happy that you’re offering her a chance for… What for, actually? “Sooooo…”

You sound like you’re retarded.

“Sooooo…”

And she sounds so damn sweet. Shit.

Lisa giggles at your shared reaction, then she becomes a little more serious. A certainty comes over her face and for the first time she doesn’t look at you but at her feet in front of her, which are slowly walking along the path around the lake. You have the opportunity to see her hands clench, but then you pay attention to her voice, so fragile and feminine, as she speaks about something that is probably just as uncomfortable for her as it is for you, maybe even more so, and you notice that you start to grin slightly, ever so slightly, when you see her strained face.

“It’s actually totally stupid…” she begins, then it’s her who shakes her head. You want to agree with her, but you prefer to keep your mouth shut. “No. It’s not stupid.” And then she turns to you again. “It’s wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. It feels so wonderful.” You wait a while while you watch two cyclists speeding past you without braking, then you look at Lisa. She is lost in your gaze again, smiling absently while her eyes dart around your face. You clear your throat uncomfortably.

“What’s so wonderful?”

“You!” It bursts out of her, no chance that she intended to tell you like that. “Shit!” She puts her hands over her mouth and opens her brown eyes wide.

Even her cursing sounds sweet… But pull yourself together… okay?

“I’m sorry!” Apparently Lisa isn’t finished yet. And you don’t know what you want to say either.

And you want her to keep talking.

“But it’s true! You’re so wonderful! I saw you and… I don’t know either…” She looks down briefly, then raises her eyes again, naive excitement in them. “Have you ever experienced something like that? As if your whole world suddenly made sense?” You can only shake your head.

“I mean… with my ex-girlfriend… maybe… Well… whatever…”

“Ex-girlfriend? So…” She blinks at you questioningly.

“I’m single,” you say, mouth dry, arms weak, heart beating wildly, head switched off. Like it always is when you see incredibly pretty girls.

“Okay…” Something is happening inside her. There is realization. And then there is joy.

But not as strong as you thought.

“Okay…” she says again. You take two more steps, then you notice that she has stopped. Of course you turn around and walk towards her, Lisa, who is standing uncertainly on the path, passers-by and all kinds of people around you. She seems lost, uncertain and nervous. And then she seems confident and determined. So she comes towards you, takes your hands in hers, warm and soft and delicate and beautiful. “Ethan… I can’t explain it… I don’t know why it happens… But I know what it is… And it feels right… Real and…” She swallows. At the end, your ex-girlfriend cried in front of you once, more out of anger than fear, but you recognize the signs in Lisa’s eyes, even though it is so different with her. You hold her hands tighter and her fingers close around yours. “I know I shouldn’t… I’m not allowed to… It’s wrong and… brutal and… unfair but…” A short pause.

Don’t say it… Say it…

“Ethan, I love you.” That small, tender, easily erased smile is something you’ve never seen before. Lisa has tears in her eyes and is smiling at the same time.

Shit, that’s… beautiful…

You’re not a bad person, you’re sure of that. But nothing in the universe could have prepared you for this. Because even if you refuse, try to refuse, you know exactly how this person feels about you. You recognize it, even if you haven’t seen it yet.

That’s love. Simple and complicated at the same time.

But love is still love.

“Ethan, I… I know it’s coming suddenly and it’s kind of… fucked up… I know… but…” You really have to stop living so much in your head, otherwise you’ll miss out on real life. And Lisa seems to be someone who’s worth living for. “You don’t have to say anything…” Lisa gets even more nervous and the healthy pink turns into a warning red as she speaks faster and more quietly. “I know it’s pointless but it just feels so perfect and if I don’t say anything now then maybe never again or if we don’t see each other again or if I say something wrong then there’s a chance I’ll mess it up but if I don’t say anything then that’s even worse and what could happen if I say something I mean…”

Your hands close a little tighter around hers.

And then your body muffles her voice as your arms wrap around her and you pull her to you. A skateboarder almost shaves your legs off but neither of you notices as you hug Lisa to you.

“It’s okay” you grumble into her shoulder. She is roughly the same height as you and it’s easy for you to hold her. Even though her arms close around you and she returns the gesture.

“I’m so sorry…” you hear her murmur. “Thank you… But… I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t be” is all you say and stroke her back. Totally inappropriate. You haven’t even known each other for an hour. You don’t know each other at all.

But fuck… It feels good…

“Need be” she mumbles into your shoulder and then she lets you go.

“Why?” you ask, not sure if you mean her words or that she has let you go. But the question gets stuck in your throat when you see her face, red and with tear-filled eyes.

“Because it’s mean.”

“Mean?” Lisa nods eagerly as her lower lip begins to tremble.

What’s going on here, you ask yourself again and again you get no answer.

“It’s so mean” the girl whimpers.

“But…” You want to ask her so many questions. Why me? Why you? Why now? Why at all? But Lisa is crying and somehow these questions don’t seem important to you at the moment. “You wanted it… didn’t you? I mean…” you want to moan, but only a confused snort comes out of your mouth. “You spoke to me.”

“Yes… And it was so nice… That we are here now… but…” You want to hug her, but just hold her hand. There is a bench nearby that you can sit down on. As soon as you sit down, Lisa is immediately on your shoulder again, holding you tight as if you could dissolve into a memory. You understand her, it also seems like a fever dream to you. “But it’s so mean…”

“You don’t have to do it, Lisa,” you say, saying her name for the first time and feeling good. “I know love can be a very beautiful thing. But if it hurts you too much… or… Maybe I’m not what you’re looking for?”

What kind of bullshit are you talking about? Shut up, you stupid bastard! She loves you! She said it!

But you’re resisting your inner voice with the argument you’ve thought your whole life was the right one. Maybe it is. You just know… It feels right.

Do it for her. So she’ll be okay.

“I mean… you definitely seem very upset and… I don’t know if… love… the way you feel it can’t also… harm… do you understand?” But Lisa shakes her head and looks at you with tear-soaked, brown, deep eyes.

“No,” she says and her face twists in pain. “That’s not it. I… I love you… I love you so much…” Now she’s said it three times.

You should too, rightly so…

“But I’m… gay… and… my wife…”

---

“Come again?” You blink in confusion. You laugh in shock. “I just thought you said…”

“I have a wife, Ethan…”

“Oh…” you say. Then you understand. “Oooh! Oh shit! Lisa! What…”

Now you understand what’s going on inside her. Of course she can’t just throw her life away or deny her sexuality. You haven’t had much contact with gay people in your life, but you understand that she said gay and not bi. Maybe she also realizes that she isn’t completely gay. That can certainly throw you off track. What if you suddenly became gay, all your self-confidence and self-image blurred? Of course she doesn’t want to immerse herself in that world, she wants to stay in the safety of her old world and…

“I have to leave my wife,” sobs the girl at your side.

“Yes, that’s certainly the best thing to… Wait… WHAT?” The bench under your ass suddenly doesn’t seem so stable anymore and it looks as if you’re losing the ground beneath your feet.

“Yes,” whimpers Lisa and clings to your arms. Then she urgently tugs at your sleeve while a small drop of snot runs out of her nose. “I have to leave her and…” Maybe it’s rude to interrupt her, but you hand her a tissue. “Thank you.” She blows her nose and you’ve given her precious seconds to collect her thoughts and understand what she’s saying. “It just hurts so much to have to let her go.”

Nope. Still on the same track.

“I love her…” Lisa’s eyes widen and she sniffles heavily. Then she speaks in an urgent voice. “But I love you more. Ethan. My God, I love you so much more. I don’t know what it is but… It feels so good. And I’m so happy. And then I’m so unhappy. I don’t want to do that to Maddison.” Now she becomes determined. “But I will. I have to.” She sits up straighter, wipes her face with her sleeve like a child, but looks like an adult when she looks you in the eyes. Determination comes to you, security, so much more than you feel right now. “I want to be with you, Ethan. I will make this work.” You haven’t seen her so sure today. “If you allow me.” And immediately there is that feminine insecurity again, that dependence on your words. “Please.”

Shit… Fuck… She is so… … … sweet…

---

You sit like that on the bench for several days, the sun moving across the horizon while the pedestrians around you blur into streaks in fast motion.

Of course it isn’t like that, but even when a cute dog comes to you on the bench, neither of you manages to pet the cute animal. The owner apologizes to you, but quickly sees that you have completely different problems.

“Lisa…” you finally say after a few weeks… days… hours… “I don’t know…”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Lisa sniffles quietly and pats your hand.

And you take it in yours. You hold hands. You’ve known each other for a little over an hour.

“Please just let me try,” she pleads quietly. “Please. Let me get my life in order, make everything right for you. I’m leaving my wife and getting together with you. Please.” She turns to you and where you are confused and intimidated, Lisa is downright panicked. She’s laying everything on the line, here and now.

“You really love me?” This question comes far too quickly. You need time. Lots of time. And you need space. Once again you try to imagine the madness of this situation. There is a divinely pretty girl, sweet and shy and nice and all of that… and she loves you. With all of her heart. And she has a girlfriend… a wife, who she wants to leave for you. This is all too much.

“Yes,” says Lisa and nods so eagerly that you’re worried she might break her neck. “I love you like I’ve never loved anyone before. I know it. It’s for sure. I love you.”

“Okay.” There is no solution to this problem, you realize. She loves you, everyone can see that. And you… Do you love her? It’s clear that you’re afraid of getting hurt again. Heh. First time I’ve admitted that to myself. She seems to be a good influence on you. No, you tell yourself. The problem is how do I hurt her the least? Either I turn her down now, then it will hurt for a long time. You know what that pain feels like, you’ve felt it for a long, long time. And then you’ve been betrayed. But what’s the alternative? I let her ruin her life? For me? For what? She wants it, you know that. And you… Do I want it too? But that’s not the question, especially because you think you already know the answer. Is it right? That’s the real question. And I can’t answer it.

“Do you want to go on a date with me?” you ask Lisa.

Fuck! Fucking shitting fuck!

Then you can’t think as the girl throws herself around your neck, screaming, and actually takes your breath away with her feminine power.

“Slowly. Slowly,” you gasp… smiling. It feels right. It feels good.

Maybe… We can… make it work? No! Shut up!

“If you kill me now, neither of us will have anything.” Lisa lets go of you and you cough quietly, but grin at her kindly.

“Yes!” she calls excitedly, tears in her eyes again, this time for a different reason. “Yes, I do! I do!” She jumps around on the bench as if you had proposed to her.

Slowly, Ethan… Slowly…

“Thank you, Ethan! Thank you, thank you, thank you! You won’t regret this! I promise you…”

“It’s okay,” you grin and slow her down a bit by taking her hands again.

Like a couple. Shit.

“I think that’s the best we can do, don’t you?” Another clear, eager, happy nod.

“I’m so sorry for putting you in this situation. And thank you for solving it so well for me.” She nibbles on her lip.

Death… by… nose bleed…

“But is it good for you?” Real concern plays on her face. “I mean… it’s good for me… perfect, even… but…”

“For me?” Now that she and you have exceeded your limits so often, so hard and so far, it doesn’t matter if you express your thoughts so freely. In fact, it even feels good, since Lisa has done it too. “Have you looked at yourself? You look incredible. If I don’t go out with you, the ghosts of every man will haunt me for all eternity.”

And Lisa giggles, her hands over her lips, happy eyes and her chest rising and falling as she looks at you like she’s been doing the whole time. In love.

“And I’d like to get to know you better, Lisa,” you continue so that it doesn’t sound too chauvinistic. “Your personality, what you’re like… And whether you’re really as crazy as you seem.” It was meant to be a joke, but Lisa looks at you in shock at first, then she understands and laughs with relief.

“Thank you, Ethan.” She wipes her eyes one last time, then stands up. “I promise you, I’ll try my best. And I’ll respect your decision. Whatever it may be. But…” You stand together and she looks around. Then she stands on tiptoe and kisses you on the cheek.

It’s like the fires of Minas Thirith that are lit and send a signal fire through your heart. Somewhere in there, Aragorn rushes through your halls and announces that Ethan Lynchwood has found love. Finally, Lisa sinks down again. The kiss didn’t last too long, wasn’t pushy but sweet and shy. Then she holds out her hand to you.

“May I?” she asks and somehow you know what she means and hand her your phone. She types in her number. “I’ll always answer. Promise.”

---

And so you have a date with a girl. Of course you can’t believe it. But you can believe one thing.

You are sure that it is worth the risk. Lisa is worth it.

by Writing Shark

It’s the only right thing to do

Where is she? Lisa Hendriks is sitting in her favorite Starbucks waiting for her wife. They meet here almost every day after they’ve both finished work to start the evening together.

‘Sorry babe. Work’s hectig. I’ll be late.’

Almost every day, anyway. Lisa sighs quietly when she sees the message on her cell phone but understands her wife.

As the child of Chinese immigrants, she is used to the urge to excel and her work too does not always go smoothly and according to plan. Sometimes unforeseen things happen, things that she cannot control but impact life nevertheless. The Cultural Revolution was one of the things that her grandparents could not control and her parents tried to counteract the loss of control and expulsion from their old homeland with good performance, hard work and obedience. Lisa’s parents benefited from these efforts and enabled Lisa to go to one of the most prestigious universities in her new home, the United States of America, to study there and ultimately lead a good life.

Her parents knew that their daughter was a lesbian since she was a child and thanks to the efforts of her grandparents, her parents were able to support her in this huge step and provide her with a warm and welcoming home where she felt safe and accepted.

With a good education and her family behind her, it was easy for her to get ahead in life. But as a lesbian, life also had other challenges in store for her that she was not prepared for. For example, the lesbian culture she grew up in in the States. There was not much on offer and so the small minority concentrated in certain places like lesbian bars and festivals where it was clear what the goal of the people gathering there was. And even though Lisa could understand them, her first relationships were very traumatic for her. Only later did she learn that lesbian relationships had the highest rate of domestic violence and toxicity, something that she unfortunately experienced in her first relationships. For her, it was never about the quick thrill or the short-lived fling. Lisa wanted something long-term, something with a future.

So her life was complete when she found her last girlfriend and now wife. They have been together for six years now, three of them married. And Lisa is happy beyond belief.

‘I miss you babe,’ she writes, biting her lower lip. ‘But I understand that. I love you. See you soon.’

‘Love you too,’ comes the quick reply. Lisa sighs. She would like to see her wife sooner, that is something she can’t really control. And that is something her wife doesn’t always understand. Of course work comes first, Lisa’s family and her past have taught her that. And her work is important. Just like her wife’s work. But still…

---

A loud clap disrupts her thoughts and Lisa raises her head. A few tables away, two boys, a little younger than her, one well dressed, the other… not… are sitting and talking. Obviously, the two are fine. Lisa doesn’t waste any more thoughts on the two of them and tries to decide what to do. She could go home and wait for her wife. But… ‘I’m waiting for you at our table, babe,’ she writes quickly. She knows it’s actually childish but she likes these little rituals so much, she needs them.

‘All right. I just can’t tell you how long it will take.’ Lisa smiles happily.

‘It’s OK. Thank you. I love you.’ She gets a heart smiley back and is happy. Of course it’s childish but she loves her wife and the two have known each other for so long that they both know what the other needs in life. Lisa feels safe and secure with her wife. Life is good. Lisa is in love and happy. A rosy future awaits her.

---

Then a loud crash fills the air. Eyes turn around, Lisa’s too. She knows where the noise is coming from, from the table where the two boys are sitting. Her eyebrows sink a little, annoyed. Lisa doesn’t like loud noises or hectic places any more than anyone else and today the place is particularly full. But her eyes are still drawn to the table that the boy sitting facing her has just hit. It’s a completely normal situation, a loud noise and Lisa reacts to it. And then everything changes.

---

Lisa is a pretty girl. A 10 if she asks her wife. She rates herself as a 7, on good days an 8. She is used to the looks of boys and men and women. Most of the time she smiles away people’s advances and explains that she is married, no reason to be rude and her wife likes it when she can show Lisa off in front of others.

But this is different. Stronger. Much, much stronger. So strong that Lisa cannot describe it. She cannot describe anything at all, cannot think at all.

The boy at the table a few feet away turns around and their eyes meet.

And Lisa loses herself.

She loses herself in the eyes of the boy as he stares at her, shocked and embarrassed. She loses herself in his face, but is too shocked to look at it more closely. All she sees is disheveled hair, a dirty hoodie and a three-day beard. But his eyes…

Never before has she felt anything as intense as the feeling, the experience of staring into this boy’s eyes. Far away and yet so close, Lisa’s entire being, everything she is, is focused on this one point in time and space. It is magical, mystical, Lisa has no words or thoughts to describe it. She just takes it in, experiences it as something incredibly feminine, overwhelming. It shakes her to the core. And yet she cannot take her eyes off him.

She doesn’t know how long it takes, seconds or hours? She just feels something changing, as if something was being emptied and then filled. And it feels so good. It feels so good and it keeps getting better. Lisa feels hot and cold at the same time as his eyes fill with concern for a brief moment. And then her eyes widen as she sees something in him. Hope. And she feels it in herself too.

A fire awakens in her that shines so intensely, so brightly and luminously…

That it is enough for Lisa to tear herself away from him.

She feel her body moving, obeying an urge that is so small, but only grows as soon as her eyes turn away from him.

She doesn’t want to, she wants to look at the boy. There is something…

But he has already turned back. The sun is still shining outside, it hasn’t been hours that the two of them have been staring at each other. Lisa shakes her head. She is numb and empty and sensitive and full at the same time. She doesn’t understand, she wants to be afraid, but she doesn’t feel bad. There is only the amazement at this unbelievable event that she doesn’t understand. Another shake of the head. There is something…

Her wife. Her wife! When their eyes met, it was as if everything in Lisa’s life had become unimportant. But that can’t be! She has a wife and a life and she is happy! She closes her eyes, concentrates, even more than on her work. She makes an effort and feels the love and affection for her wife coming back.

“What…”

But it feels different. She feels her love, everything good in her life, but it’s as if everything that made up her life used to be in a bulging box… and now it’s in a gigantic warehouse where you can’t see the walls. Lisa has to swallow and she gets scared. What’s happening to her? Why does she feel as if everything she filled up before is now so… small and… insignificant?

“No,” she whispers. “That can’t be happening. What… What’s happening here?” She concentrates. She thinks about her love, her wife, her family. She still feels everything, with the same intensity… but it’s all so much bigger, so much further, so much… Lisa doesn’t understand. She has to think about it.

---

But then she sees movement out of the corner of her eye. The boy… The strange boy who stared at her like hundreds of boys before him… He stands up and…

Oh no… Please…

And her prayers are answered. The boy stands up and it almost seems as if he wants to go to her, but then he turns around and marches to the counter to speak to the waitress.

And Lisa is happy about it… No… She’s sad…

“No… What… Please…”

Lisa Hendriks is an intelligent person. She is beautiful, but has made it in life without having to rely on her appearance. Only her wife has given her this trait and she is happy and proud of her looks, does not take it for granted and thanks her gods that her looks have given her her wife. She knows the looks she gives her. Lust. And she knows her own feelings of love.

Lisa Hendriks is smart and beautiful and has led a good life without trauma or emotional pain. And so she can see it now, clearly and distinctly.

She recognizes the feeling.

Love.

Not a crush, not a fling.

Love.

All-encompassing, incredibly intense, warm, heartfelt, strong, intense love.

“My God…”

Lisa sees the boy standing at the counter with his grubby appearance and his uncombed hair and shaggy beard… And she loves it.

And it shocks her deeply, to her core.

Not because he is a boy. Not because she is a lesbian.

But because it is the strongest, most intense, most incredible feeling she has ever experienced in her life. Nothing can compare. Her love for her wife is a small match compared to the forest fire that this brief glance, this brief moment, has set off in her life. Her family is so small and insignificant compared to the wish that he would turn around again and look at her, give her a smile. Her job is forgotten, she wants to spend every moment of her life with this boy.

This realization hits her, almost killing the poor girl as her whole being changes.

But Lisa is strong and smart and she fights against it. She is a good person, she must not give in to these thoughts. She doesn’t know what is happening to her but she has to fight against it. Her life must not end like this, she must not throw everything away… even if she wants to so much. She could talk to him… She could ask if he likes her… She could be with him…

With the love of her life.

“No… God… No…” But she is too confused. She only feels happy when she thinks of him. She is not sad. It feels so right. Nothing in her life has ever felt so right.

And yet so wrong.

But it doesn’t help. She wants to get up, go to him, hug him, kiss him and…

---

He comes towards her. This time it is not an accident. He comes over to her after talking to his friend at the table. He is with her in a moment.

Their eyes meet again. And this time Lisa knows how long, not even half a second.

---

She falls in love with the boy. It is love at first sight. Actually second, but she has known it since the first second. She recognizes it. She accepts it. And she enjoys it.

It is unbelievable to admit it. She loves this boy she knows nothing about. She loves him with everything she has and will ever have. She knows it. She wants to be by his side. She doesn’t care if she’s a lesbian. She doesn’t care if she has a wife. She doesn’t care what her family will say. She doesn’t care if it affects her job.

She loves this boy. More than she loves anything else. Much more. It’s perfect. He’s perfect.

---

And that saves her.

And that damns her.

He’s too good for me, Lisa realizes. Yes… Yes! Yes that’s right! He’s too good for me! I’d never have a chance with a man like him! Never!

But the thought that maybe it could be, that he could give her a chance…

A tremor runs through her body. Adrenaline rushes through her veins.

And her vagina twitches.

Lisa has never experienced anything like this before and it shocks her.

“Hey,” says the boy and Lisa immediately falls madly in love with his voice.

I want to hear him every day for the rest of my life. I can’t manage not to hear him every day. His voice is so… perfect.

She wants to look at him. He’s standing right in front of her. Just one look would be enough, just a second, half a second and she would be happy for the rest of her life.

No! I can’t! I’m not good enough for him!

And she manages to look away. It’s a phatic attempt to escape him. With a whimper she turns away, back to the window. Why did she look out again? Oh yes, because of her wife. Her wife who she loves.

But not like this boy.

Whimpering, close to tears, scared and in love, she flinches.

“Sorry to interrupt.”

She almost doesn’t hear his voice, she’s so excited. Different emotions, all emotions, race through her body as she feels his eyes on her. She is so ashamed to hide from him, from the realization that it is already too late for Lisa and from the opportunity that is being presented to her. The young woman is too overwhelmed by everything, what she feels is too unbelievable.

It is not his fault. But Lisa cannot fight. She is too weak and she hates herself for it, just as much as she is happy about it. Because now he can make the decision for both of them. Lisa knows what she would do if she were weak for just a millisecond. She wants to be weak, throw herself into his arms and…

But she is not good enough for him. A man like him deserves better. And she still has her wife. That must mean something.

“Do you know where the restroom is?”

He sounds so dejected. Or is it her own grief that makes her so weak? She wants him to touch her, to tell her that he loves her and wants to be with her forever. But she doesn’t deserve him and so it is for the best. At least that’s what Lisa tries to think.

And then he turns around.

And he leaves.

It doesn’t take a minute before Lisa jumps up, hastily packs her things and flees from Starbucks as if all the dogs of hell were after her.

---

“Babe?”

Lisa sees her wife and feels the tears crashing against the walls that this incredible moment has brought down so badly. The walls that Lisa wants to rebuild just so that her life doesn’t fall apart completely.

Please just let me be a lesbian, she thinks in a panic and throws herself around her wife’s neck.

“You’re finally here,” she calls into her partner’s shoulder. “I’ve missed you so much!”

“Wow,” Maddison says and pats Lisa’s back. “What happened to you?”

And that’s exactly the question Lisa is asking herself. But she has no answer and escapes into the world she knows.

“I love you so much babe,” she cries out, for Maddison and for herself. “I love you and I want to be with you and I want to be married and I want to be a lesbian with you and…”

“It’s okay,” consoles Maddison, who obviously doesn’t understand what’s happening here. “We can be all of this.” The two separate and Maddison pats Lisa’s cheek. “I love you too.” Then she nods her head. “Come on. I’ll take you out of here. Home.” She giggles and rolls her eyes. “My wifey could use some relaxation, I can feel that.”

Smiling, one lesbian takes the other by the hand and leads her away from Starbucks into the safety of their relationship.

---

Step by step, Maddison leads Lisa to her destiny.

Her hand feels so good, she thinks, looking at the woman she loves from the side. Freshly back from work, Maddison talks about her day while Lisa can listen to her.

The two are destined to be together. It’s destiny.

It’s the only right thing to do.

Because Lisa loves Maddison.

I love you Maddi.

The girl looks at her wife and tries to remember all the beautiful things, every single moment of happiness that the two had together. There were so many. Of course there were moments like that too, but that doesn’t matter and Lisa is someone who remembers the good moments.

But…

Step by step the two move away from the Starbucks and the boy who turned Lisa’s world upside down. It’s right. She is with her love.

But…

“Hey babe, is everything okay?” Maddison strokes Lisa’s hand. “You’ve been like this the whole time. What’s wrong?”

How is Lisa supposed to explain it to her? She doesn’t understand it herself. She can’t even put it into words, not even for the woman she loves.

But…

Actually, it’s so simple.

“It’s okay,” she murmurs and Maddison, after a careful look, starts moving again.

“We’ll take you home first,” says Maddison determinedly. “Then I’ll fill the bathtub with warm water, put some of your bubble bath in it and you can relax for a while.” That sounds like a good idea. “And when you’re done, I’ll definitely be home again.”

“What?” Lisa blinks, astonished.

“I told you.”

“Yes… right…” Maddison has another meeting with her group of friends, which had been planned for weeks. And Lisa doesn’t want to interfere. “Then I’ll be alone.” Maddison looks at her wife.

“You like that,” she says, astonished. “Time to think.” Maddison hugs her wife tenderly and kisses her on the cheek. “That’s what I love about you.”

“I love you too,” whispers Lisa.

But… I…

But she doesn’t want to think. Not after today. And she doesn’t want to be alone. She is afraid of her thoughts, for the first time in her life.

“Should I stay with you?” Maddison asks seriously, but Lisa shakes her head. Then she is frightened of herself.

“No, it’s okay,” she says firmly.

She has made a decision.

She almost cries.

“I love you.”

But… I…

“Go ahead. I forgot something back there.” Maddison looks questioningly at her wife, then nods.

“Okay, honey. See you tonight. I love you.” A kiss on the cheek, Lisa has to swallow.

“‘Love you too,” she whispers.

But…

It doesn’t help. She made the decision without really thinking about it. But she has to admit it to herself, actively and without a veil over her eyes. The first truth of her new life.

I love him more.

---

Her feet are light as she hurries back to Starbucks with fumbling steps. She is afraid of her feelings, of what they mean and of what she has admitted to herself. But she is even more afraid that the mysterious boy is no longer there.

I love him. This realization is on a continuous loop in her head. There is no room for anything else. She has admitted it to herself. And it shocks her that she feels so good about this fact. I love him! I love him! I LOVE HIM!

There is Starbucks.

Lisa rushes through the door.

And there he sits. Still with his friend. He sits slumped in his seat, his back to Lisa.

What should she say? Shocked, she realizes that she doesn’t know what to say.

Too late. She is already standing in front of him. His friend smiles and the boy turns around.

Yes, she loves Maddison. But she loves this boy more.

It is the right thing to do.

“Hey.”

And it feels right.

by Writing Shark

Fucking paper straws

“Here come the aiiirplaiiine…”

“Stop it, damn it!” Your hand waves wildly in front of your face as you try to fend off the fork with the cake flying towards you. “Asshole.” But you still have to grin. This is mainly because of your best friend who is really trying everything to cheer you up today.

“See? You can laugh after all?”

“Only until you poke my eye out,” you try to complain, but only half manage it. Alistair is really good when he takes the risk. “What’s that all about?” Your best friend grins and sips his Starbucks coffee. With the paper straw in his mouth, he looks at you triumphantly.

“You just need to get out and socialize again,” he says, looking appraisingly at the straw. “The plastic cup, the plastic lid, and the straw rotting away in your mouth. What a load of crap.”

“Right.” He’s right about the straw. And Alistair is right about the other one too. You really need to get out again. But you don’t want to admit that.

“What am I right about?” He asks, knowing full well that he’s right about everything.

“The straw,” you grumble.

“Aaaand?” You roll your eyes. He really means well, but has chosen a difficult task.

“Nothing else. I like Starbucks like everyone else, but otherwise I just want to be at home and play games. A new game has come out and I really need to…”

“Now shut up,” Alistair calls out loudly across the room. It’s lunchtime and your local Starbucks is busy. “Work and games for three months. Dude.” His face takes on that expression again. Alistair manages to appear serious and nice at the same time. “What you need is not a game and your job sucks anyway.”

“Thanks,” you grumble. “That’s exactly what I needed.”

“What you really need is to be around people. Company. Laughing together and all the stuff you used to love doing.” Of course your best buddy ignores you and of course he’s right.

“But it used to be different.” Now you sound like a whining child.

“She’s just a girl, dude,” Alistair groans. “Yeah, sure, she was the world for you. But there are others out there.” You quickly put your own cardboard straw in your mouth and suck on your coffee before you can say something instinctive. Your buddy waits patiently until you’re finished. He’s said everything and now it’s your turn.

“It’s not about Nicolle,” you say, drawn out and annoyed. “I thought she was the one, of course. But she isn’t. And after what she did to me, I don’t care.” You look at Alistair. “For real.”

“Okay. I believe you,” nods your friend, who stayed loyal to you even when Nicole wanted to have you all to herself. At least until you discovered your own values ​​and found out that love can be not only easy and beautiful but also difficult and destructive.

“I just really don’t want to get hurt anymore.” You quickly raise your hand as Alistair opens his mouth. “And yes, I know that’s a risk I have to take.” Another sip of overpriced coffee. With his good job, Alistair can afford that. You, on the other hand… try to tackle one problem after the other. “It was stupid to think women wanted me because of my personality.”

“True,” says your friend, sounding sympathetic but honest. You prefer to ignore his words, otherwise your heart will start to hurt again.

“It’s time to focus on myself. My life, my body, my mental health.” Alistair nods.

“That’s a good plan.” You wait, but he doesn’t say anything else. Alistair is so much further along in life than you are, even if you’re the same age. He’s fit, intelligent, independent, good-looking and has a natural charm that makes it seem like he doesn’t give a shit about anyone who thinks differently about him. You can really be lucky to have him as a friend.

But sometimes it gets annoying. Especially in those moments when he’s right (which is actually always the case) and when you know that you have to change (which is also always the case, as long as you don’t suppress those thoughts).

“Thank you, Ethan,” you whisper in a fake high voice. “You really are a good friend and I respect you.” A pathetic attempt to gain the upper hand over something that doesn’t exist, your good life.

“I respect you, Ethan,” Alistair says completely neutrally and looks you straight in the eyes. “And I will never lie to you. Best friends don’t do that. You’re sad, scared and ugly and nobody likes you except me.” You just look at your best friend and say nothing. Of course he’s right. “Girls aren’t interested in you because you have no personality, because you’re scared and because you let yourself be pushed around.” And of course he carries on. But he also knows how far he can go and keeps his mouth shut. One more comment about your gaming obsession and it would have been a disaster. “And it’s not your fault. Well, not most things. Finding the love of your life only to find out that she’s not what you hoped she would be, that destroys you.”

“Mhm,” you just say.

“But Ethan, Nicolle was a stupid cunt. She wasn’t right for you and just because she got married again doesn’t mean you have to wait for her. For the third time.” He drinks his coffee again and looks at you. But again he manages to narrowly avoid the cliff and only seems concerned when he tortures you with your weaknesses. “Shit bro, I know you’re funny, charming and nice. And I also saw that you can be manly if you want to. That was Nicolle’s fault. She made you who you are now, okay, I admit that. But now it’s up to you to change.”

A long silence falls, at least between you, while the Starbucks is full of people and hustle and bustle. Orders are called out, conversations are held, and you sit here, sad and depressed, letting your best bro give you a pep talk.

“Shit,” you mutter and shake your head. “I guess this new life thing is harder than it seems.” Alistair waits. “But you’re right. Shit. Okay.” You nod your head. “I’ll do it.”

“Good,” your boddy grins. “Very good.” And then he claps his hands loudly. Some people turn around. Alistair has always had this open manner. “So what next?” You shrug. “Oh, come on.” He looks around the room. “You can talk to that lovely lady over there now.” He points behind you. You turn around and see what he pointed at.

“Shut up,” you hiss, but you can’t manage to turn around.

The girl in the light red summer dress looks simply incredible. Just the way she sits there, her face turned towards the windows of the Starbucks, looking outside, long dark brown hair and a slightly bored expression on her face are exactly the reasons why you don’t want to have anything to do with this girl. “No way,” you shake your head. “I told you…”

“And I’m telling you that you will,” Alistair interrupts you, and this time he is not friendly but dead serious. “What do you want to do? A new job? A new hobby? A new apartment? All of that takes time and costs money. But there’s someone sitting there and she’s… shit, she’s at least an 8.”

“And I’m a 4.”

“Fuck off!” laughs Alistair. “You’re at least a… 6… 5…”

“Exactly. And that’s why…”

“You’re going to talk to her. Now!” Alistair hits the table with his fist, loudly. The cutlery clinks and eyes turn to you.

And you look, completely out of reflex, at the girl behind you.

She has turned her head, to the table where you’re sitting… no… to you. She looks at you. Your eyes meet, she sees you… and quickly looks away. A completely normal reaction when two strangers look at each other in a restaurant. And your reaction is just as normal. You quickly turn away and turn to Alistair.

“I can’t do that,” you protest, making one last attempt. It’s not about proving to yourself that it can’t work. What you’re saying is simply true. You can’t do it. For the simple reason that it won’t do any good.

And what if it does make a difference? What if it were possible? What if she did have feelings…

You shake your head while Alistair turns his attention away from the girl and focuses only on you.

“But you can do it.”

And that’s the end of the topic. Alistair doesn’t leave any room for discussion and even threatens not to pay for the drinks. You have no money and the lady behind the counter doesn’t look like she’s interested in a discussion. So stress with the cashier or emotional pain with the 8 who is sitting there alone at the window.

You stand up… and turn to the lady at the counter.

You’ll manage to make do with the money somehow.

“Hey,” you greet the woman. “Pay please.”

---

Okay, you can’t manage to pay. Coffee has gotten damn expensive. So the only thing left is… “You’re not sitting down again,” Alistair growls and grabs your arm. Again, a few people stare and your face gets hot. “You said you’re not interested in women anymore. So prove it. Nothing bad can happen. She’ll say no, but you’ve won, either way. Either she says yes…” he shrugs. “We both know it won’t happen. Or she says no and you dared to talk to an incredibly beautiful woman. So do it or I’ll beat you to bloody shreds right here in this damn Starbucks.” Then he lets go of you.

---

What am I doing here? But the walk to the girl’s table is too short to find the answer to your panicked question. Your legs feel numb and heavy. Your hands are tingling and you’re sure you’re going to have a stroke or something. You know it’s going to hurt you. You know she’ll say no. But that’s not the worst thing.

Because you know you could have feelings for this girl. Not because she… Not just because she looks incredibly beautiful… There’s something about her that you really like. You can’t say it, but the way she moves.

You should think of a plan.

Too late. You’ve admired her for too long and now you’re standing right in front of her.

And she sees you.

Your heart is about to explode. Your eyes meet. Her gaze meets yours. She has such a beautiful face. Her eyes widen a little, brown and deep. Her mouth opens a bit and small wrinkles form on her forehead.

…

…

And she looks away.

She turns her head away, back to the glass pane, looking outside and…

Her hair falls in front of her face and shields her from you… Just like her hand that lies on the side of her face and prevents you from seeing her eyes.

Her body tenses uncomfortably and a slight tremor runs through her body.

You’ve lost. Again. You should turn around and…

“Hey.”

What the hell are you doing? You stupid asshole! Run away! She doesn’t want you!

“Sorry to bother you.”

No! What the actual fuck you bloody moooron!

Only now do you realize what you’re doing. You’re probably less than ten seconds away from a pepper spray attack of biblical proportions.

Save yourself! Run away!

“Do you know where the restroom is?“

Aaaaargh! Fucking shit fucker you fucking idiot!

At least you don’t want to go down without a fight.

But the girl just squeaks and hunches her shoulders while her body remains rigidly directed towards the window outside.

No chance.

And now you have to go to the toilet even though you don’t have to.

---

At least enough time to look at yourself in the halfway clean mirror and rethink your life.

Are you mad at Alistair? You feel the pain. It’s not the rejection. It’s the hope that is disappointed time and time again. The hope that you could have a good life, a life that you can share with someone. The hope that you can be there for someone. The hope that you are enough for someone. Or simply the hope that someone sees that you want to improve.

But no. Alistair is right.

“Fuck,” you grumble and give the mirror your most honest smile in recent times. It’s better to fight and lose than not to fight at all.

Although it doesn’t feel like that to you.

“Maybe someday. Don’t give up hope.”

You wait a few more minutes. Another man appears in the bathroom, does his business and washes his hands next to you. After he has dried himself off, your eyes meet in the mirror.

“Cool man,” he says and nods at you. That’s all, then he leaves. You wait a little longer, then you follow suit.

---

“What was that?” Alistar asks, dumbfounded, as you sit down again. “Shortly after you left, she ran off as if death was after her.”

“Yes,” you say and try to think of something nice. Her brown eyes, for example…

No! Not that! Her beautiful breasts? Fuck!

“What did you say to her?” But you just look at him meaningfully and Alistair just shrugs. “It doesn’t matter.” He puts his hand on your shoulder. “You played and lost. But I’m proud of you.” He grins. “And besides, she’s a lesbian.”

“Yes? How do you know that?” Alistair laughs quietly, not conspicuously, now that you’ve done everything he wanted you to do. He knows how far he can go with you.

“So when you chased her away, she ran into her girlfriend outside and the two of them kissed passionately.”

You are ashamed as you breathe a sigh of relief. It wasn’t your fault. She was just a lesbian and annoyed that a boy had spoken to her. Maybe she wasn’t even afraid of you.

“Or maybe you just made her a lesbian,” grins your bro. “You’re disgusting with your outfit. I bet she was straight and when she let you go…”

“Yeah, yeah,” you grin and are actually happy to be able to talk about something as normal as your outfit. “Not everyone has as much money as you.”

---

In fact, you both manage to make the day a little fun for you and after a while, a few stupid jokes and stupid stories between men, you actually feel a little like a man again.

“One day I’ll just burn the place down,” you hear yourself saying and feel the corners of your mouth turning up. “I’ll march in there and have the Battle of the Alamo with those stupid wankers from HR.” Alistair laughs.

“You should go into business for yourself,” he suggests. “I know your strengths.”

“In this economic climate?” You grin. “I’d rather buy myself a couple of assault rifles, some ammo and a couple of barrels of gasoline and go down in a blaze of glory.” Alistair giggles into his almost-empty cup.

“Those damn cardboard straws.” Disappointed, he lets his coffee sink into the ground, in which the straw has dissolved. “Maybe I’ll even join in.”

“You?” you ask and laugh heartily. “If someone like you can’t make it, then I don’t know what hopes I should have?”

Alistair smiles. Not really friendly, but a little surprised.

And then his expression turns into an almost evil grin.

“I don’t know…” he murmurs. “There’s always hope.” He looks past you a little, but you’re too slow to realize it. “I mean, we only have two real fantasies, right? Either one last Alamo… or…”

You feel a hand on your shoulder and turn around.

Fuck!

“Hey,” greets the girl from before, her face bright red and a friendly, slightly embarrassed smile.