by Writing Shark
Two decisions under one moon
Megan sits alone on the swings of the abandoned playground. Her shoes graze the sand warmed by the summer sun with each slight swing, and her fingers close around the cold metal of the chains holding the roughly cut leather strap. Her gaze is lowered, her eyes do not perceive much and her ears are almost deafened by the chirping of the crickets. They hide in the tall grass that surrounds the playground, shielding Megan from the world with their sounds, just like the grass and the darkness that has settled over the land. At this late hour she is here all alone and will certainly remain so, having told no one where she is going. Not even her own brother knows why she has come here and it is the only comfort for Megan Lynchwood that he is safe and happy at home with his family. Millie is with him and that has always been enough to keep him out of her problems when she doesn’t want to bother him with them.
Megan should be happy too, but that’s not easy these days. Especially not when you have a fight with your boyfriend. Megan hates this kind of thing but it happens again and again and it’s her fault. She can’t control her emotions. Her fingers close tighter around the chain of the swing until they ache. Her dress gently brushes her lower legs, but she doesn’t notice. Thoughts race in her head and yet are not fast enough to catch the answer to the question that has been bothering her for so long.
“Why am I not happy?” She would love to scream the question out into the world as loud as she can. So loud that her vocal cords almost snap, just to have someone give her an answer to the question that is ruining her life. But it is only a low murmur, sad, shy, desperate. She hasn’t told her friends or family about her doubts in her relationship that had nagged on her, not even Finn. Especially not Finn. How could she ever do that to him? Megan loves her brother too much for that. But it doesn’t help, she can’t deny her feelings, she doesn’t even understand them after all. “Fuck” she mumbles and a tear runs down her cheek. She’s been struggling with herself for a long time, ever since their first kiss. Since Finn put his lips on her skin she knows that it’s over for her and that the relationship will eventually come to an end. That it is Maureen who has once again spread her poison does not surprise her and that Finn protects her is also not new. There is just no one else who can love her big sister and of course Finn steps into the breach when no one else does. But not with Megan. Finn is nice to Millie, nice to Maureen and Emma, who adores him so obviously that no one can miss it.
“Why doesn’t he recognize my feelings?” But of course, Megan doesn’t get an answer to her question. Finn isn’t there. He’s with his little or his big sister. It’s not the first time Megan feels useless and left out as a middle sister. Of course Finn knows how she feels but of course he can’t do anything about it. They laugh together, have fun together, learn together, live together, but he can’t see the obvious. All her life she could rely on her big brother. From the day she first saw him, they were inseparable. Even before Millie, Megan had taken him to her heart. But now, since he’s been having sex regularly, it’s as if Megan exists only on the periphery of his life. The two siblings still talk to each other and have their ‘fun’, but still, it’s different. And Megan hates it. It’s just impossible to tell Finn that she wants more from him than he can give her now. Maybe before, when it was just the two of them. “Something has to change.” She’s told herself that many times. Every time she’s seen her brother laughing because of another girl and not because of her. Even with Millie it’s gotten to the point where Megan feels sick when she sees the two of them together, even after trying so hard to accept the relationship between them. “He decides for himself what he wants to do.” She has also said this many times and feels nothing about it for a long time.
These are all such bad feelings and looking back, Megan can’t believe Finn overlooked it all. So far he’s always been incredibly good, perfect at reading her mood but now sex is clouding his mind. Another tear runs down her cheek, following the same path as the first. But she’s already cried enough. At night, when he’s already asleep, exhausted from sex and the love he feels. No, it doesn’t help. She has to break away from him. Her happiness is not with him, as much as she wants it to be. Loving him is the wrong choice, and no matter how big and powerful her feelings are, going down that path alone thinking it’s possible, is a mistake.
“Come on Megan. Get a grip.” She shakes her head and feels her hair on the back of her neck. Finn hasn’t even said anything about her bow or her skirt, knowing full well how much she loathes the fuss over this shy girl stuff. Megan Lynchwood is strong and not dependent on a boy who doesn’t realize the love between them is fading with each passing day or a brother who is either torn between too many girls or who just doesn’t recognize her feelings. “Shit!” Now she is loud, not shouting, but calling out her despair briefly into the night. The crickets stop chirping for a moment, wait a few seconds as if taunting Megan, and then mindlessly begin their concert anew. “Fuck…” Megan knows these are not her true thoughts. Her brother is perfect for her. Kind, friendly, funny and so damn sexy. But there’s no point.
Tomorrow, after she calms down, she’ll end it. Megan nods resolutely, sniffles lightly, and wipes her cheek with her thumb. Tomorrow she’ll end it and start a new, clean, tidy chapter. There is no point in running after a boy who is not with her, who does not understand her, and who goes through the world with a childish naivety without seeing what suffering is in front of his eyes. She will leave him, she will make it easy for him and he will understand. Megan lifts her head and looks up at the night sky. The full moon is already high in the sky, illuminating the playground with some light. She has had so many great moments here with Finn, and even though Maureen seems to be trying hard to break them all, the memories of her brother will stay with Megan.
“He will understand. He’s the only one who will understand.” Some hope resonates in her voice as she tells herself this lie that only her beloved brother can turn into truth. She dreams of him so often, at night, when he is with someone else besides her, receiving love, and Megan is alone. They are beautiful dreams, dangerous dreams and dreams that tell her what she wants. In her favorite dream, he comes striding out of the fog. His laughter alone dispels the darkness and brings out the sun. He touches her, kisses her and whispers that he is only there for her. He says her name.
“Megan.”
“What…?” Her head snaps down, away from the dark sky, and her eyes are blinded by the light of the streetlamps and the moonlight. It takes her a second to get her bearings, to understand that it’s not a dream. And yet, as in her dream, Finn peels out of the darkness of the night. Actually he is only standing in the cone of light of a lantern but nevertheless it is a magical moment that makes her blood rush to her cheeks. He has found me. No one knows where I am, and he found me. “Finn!” The bad thoughts are gone when she sees him coming towards her. Megan already wants to jump off the swing, throw herself around his neck and kiss him, but she can’t. She doesn’t want to put her plan into action, nor does she wants him to suffer. “What are you doing here?” she asks instead, startled herself at the sadness in her voice.
“I was looking for you silly” laughs her brother, stepping into the darkness of the playground. The light leaves him but still Megan feels like she is standing in the warmest sun. It doesn’t help to lie to herself, of course she loves him. She loves her big brother with all her heart. But…
“Don’t needet to,” she murmurs, lifting her feet off the floor. She rocks gently to keep him from getting close to her. She can see it in his eyes, even in the darkness, he wants to get to her. But that would only mean pain for everyone and he has to take care of his loved ones. Megan doesn’t belong to this world, knows it, and Finn realizes it too. He pauses for a moment, his shoulders slumping as he realizes a truth she already knows. Still, Finn wouldn’t be her brother if he just gave up, and Megan loves and grieves him for it. Without further ado, he settles down on the adjacent swing next to Megan and does the same. He’s taller than her and so it’s not easy for him to lift his feet off the ground, so he just pushes off and uses the leather piece as a way to lean on. He wraps his arms around the chains and crosses them in front of his chest. Thinking like this, he lowers his head and waits.
“I’ve been worried about you. We all have” he finally says.
“Wasn’t necessary” Megan pouts. It’s always the same when he’s around her. No matter how much she tries to be mad or have some other bad feeling, it doesn’t work. Whenever he’s around, she’s great. That’s also why she fell in love with him and that’s also why she needs to end it, start something new. It doesn’t only affect her, Megan, who is not in control of her life. It also affects him, Finn, her brother. It wasn’t going to work out in our family anyway.
“Come on Megan. I’ve always liked that you can’t lie.” His smile warms her heart, but he’s wrong. She can lie, does it by making him know she’s happy.
“There are advantages to being able to lie,” she says, not wanting to give him more to work with. Finn should not be hurt. As if what I’m about to do doesn’t affect him.
Megan clenches her teeth. Everything was easier back then. Before she had feelings for her brother she could be freer and more carefree with him. To be a child again for once. But even that thought is interrupted by her own anger. She likes to love Finn. Still, the roles between the siblings were clearer then. Megan knew exactly how to deal with her brother without crossing any lines for herself or him. Now, with her love, it’s harder. It’s so beautiful but still so unfamiliar, so difficult. And that’s what makes Megan drift away from her brother. Life by his side is so beautiful. She looks to him beside her on the swing and they exchange smiles. She doesn’t care if she wanted to be mad at Maureen, his smile is enough to make her happy… and sad at the same time. It’s all complicated. Megan can’t handle the fear of losing him, but she can’t handle the pain of having him around either. And she can’t ask her brother either because he would know what’s going on inside her. Lying to Finn is impossible anyway, but keeping things from him is no easy task either.
“I want to help, sis,” her brother says softly and reaches out his hand to her. At first Megan wants to loosen her fingers from the chain that has already been warmed up by her body heat, but then allows the touch. When his fingers close around her fist clenched around the chain the world seems perfect again for a second.
“Don’t need to,” she murmurs then, not knowing why she does it. All she wants is to kiss him, to tell him she loves him. But Megan is silent. She knows Finn is not a man of silence and even if she has barely given him anything to work with, he still surprises her, as he always has.
“Things are bad with me and my girlfriend,” he confesses, shaking his head in resignation. Megan looks at him from wide eyes. He smiles. “I think I need something else in my life. Someone else.” Then he looks at her. “How about you?”
“Megan?” She didn’t hear his heavy footsteps on the way to the playground so deep was she in thought. Now he stands a few feet away in front of her, the light of the streetlights behind him. His voice is calm and collected. “Thought I’d find you here.” Her shoes graze the sand warmed by the summer sun with each light swing, and her fingers close around the cold metal of the chains holding the roughly cut leather strap. Only the crickets in the freshly mown grass keep the two company, flooding the square with their deafening concert. The air is warm from the past day and the shadows blur in the darkness of the waning moon, but Finn still seems like a figure of light. All thoughts of being alone or lonely vanish as he approaches her, carefully, respectfully. “May I?” he asks, pointing to the swing next to Megan. There’s so much she’d like to say to him, but she doesn’t know what or how. She doesn’t nod but Finn hasn’t needed words to speak to her or understand her since ever. Megan hears the clink of chains tightening under his weight and the leather stretching. Finn is definitely too big for the playground and his feet dig deep furrows in the sand where the tips of her shoes just touch it gently. Much has changed in their lives but some things, good and bad, always remain the same. And as far as Megan is concerned, some things, good and bad, always stay the same. Except for Finn. Finn is perfect as always. “Whenever you’re ready Wombat,” he murmurs, looking up at the dark sky. He doesn’t look at his sister, but smiles when he feels her eyes on him. Megan looks straight at her brother and her great love. The clanking of chains can be heard again as she leans over to him.
The kiss is very light, she puts her lips very gently on his skin. He always talks about himself in the presence of his sisters of peasants and baggers, but Megan is always happy to have Finn near her. His smell rises to her nose, her favorite deodorant that he uses only because of her. It’s very faint, but masks the faint smell of sweat on this end of a hot day. Of course he’s been running around town looking for her, and of course he’s found her. Megan lets go of one of the chains beside her and reaches out to her brother, pulling herself a little closer to him. He follows her gesture, coming closer to her as well. His wombat can feel her arms around him, feel his warm body. Her cheek is against his chest while he wraps his strong arm around her and the chains of the swing. The metal must hurt him but he wants her to be close to him. He endures so much for her and Megan knows only one way to repay him at this moment. She lifts her head and looks into his eyes, his body so big that sometimes she feels like Millie in his presence. Secure. Everything’s going to be okay.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers, tears rolling down her round cheeks. Finn stays very still but his eyes rest on her face, following her every move. Her nose crinkles as she begins to sob. Megan is a strong woman, she knows that. But still, it feels so right to cry in front of him. “I didn’t mean it.” She wants so badly to tell him everything he wants to know, everything he needs to make everyone happy. It’s always been that he was the one who took care of everyone and Megan was the one who showed him where to work. Often this is a proud task from which she draws strength but now that she herself is the problem, it is just shameful. But Finn still wants to help. His lips on her forehead rest just as lightly, but burn like the most beautiful fire, filling her with warmth she doesn’t deserve. Megan grows lighter beside him, more carefree.
“I love you, Megan.” His words are all she needs. She doesn’t deserve them but has long since given up fighting herself. Everything he gives her she accepts gratefully, and sometimes she manages to give back to him in return. Now it’s him again who helps her – as he always has – by giving her the space to think, driving away the bad thoughts with his love and making room for new, better ones.
“I didn’t mean it,” she says again, sobbing. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“I always mess things up. I’m so, so sorry Finn.” His hands squeeze her tighter, his voice close to her ear as she takes refuge in his scent and warmth while Finn works his magic.
“Maureen said the same thing” he laughs softly and Megan feels his chest rise and fall. “I wanted to reassure her, tell her she wouldn’t get in trouble with the family. But she was just worried about you, afraid that she had hurt you.” Megan feels only shame at his words. No matter how long she was in rivalry with her older sister, she believes her brother.
“I feel so bad. I’m so sorry.”
“Your sister feels the same way” he chuckles and his happiness cheers Megan up. “You know, you can hit me for that if you want, but you and Maureen are alike in so many ways. You hurt each other, okay” at these words Megan clings to him tighter again “but that only works if you trust, respect and understand each other first. If there was nothing there, you wouldn’t be able to hurt each other. That goes for all of us Megan.” More loud sobs punctuate his words and his hand strokes the fabric of her jacket. “We’re all the same as far as that goes. We all like each other. And we forgive each other even when we make a mistake. Maureen doesn’t hate you for what you said to her, and I know you feel the same way about her.” With these simple words Finn untangles the knot in her head with breathtaking ease she only knows from him. His words make her strong and proud and Megan feels only joy and relief as she sinks to the sand at his feet. It didn’t happen on purpose, she just lost her balance imagining her actions wouldn’t hurt Finn and Maureen and everyone else. Her brother’s knees dig into the sand at the same time as hers. Without the chains between them, the two siblings can hug each other tightly, lean on each other, snuggle up. It hasn’t bothered Megan for a long time now how people might feel about her and her brother. His touch feels so good and the things she’s done with and for him only fill her with the security of having done them for Finn. “I love you Megan.” In his embrace, the girl opens her eyes a little.
“I love you too Finn. I love you too.” She says it twice, both because he said it twice and because she doesn’t think once would be enough to describe her joy at being with him. The two siblings squat in the rapidly cooling sand for quite a while. Meganunderstands his restlessness all too well, as he wants to make sure she’s okay. But in situations like this, it’s just wonderful for her to sit there and feel him against her. Maybe it’s because of her past with him or just because she’s a woman, but when he’s there she feels complete. She notices from his relaxed body and the gentle touches that he feels the same way. Once again she has spoken to him without using words. And she knows what is about to come, and looks forward to it.
“Hey?” murmurs Finn, and Megan rubs her head against his chest. She feels his nose against her hair, then against her ear. He’s as aware of her as she is of him. “The sand…I don’t like…ouch!” The two laugh softly without breaking the embrace. Megan didn’t pinch Finn that hard this time but the two know what game to play to make each other happy.
“Don’t you dare bring up that damn sand line.” She actually wants to hiss at him doing it, playing her part he likes so much, but all that comes through her laughing mouth is a happy chuckle.
“Okay. Fair enough,” he growls, kissing Megan on the head. Reluctantly, she lets go of him, but then follows her lover who leads her to one of those big, flat spinning wheels to sit on. On the way there, Megan not letting go of his hand and grinning happily into the darkness, Finn looks her over. “You look fantastic honey,” he says, and Megan feels alive. “Are you mad at me for not saying that before?”
“No,” she shakes her head and snuggles up to him.
“When you get dressed for me my head just doesn’t work right” her boyfriend confesses to her. “I always want to say something then but it would all seem samey and recited. I try really hard but…look at you.” He points at Megan, but she can’t take her eyes off her brother. “How can you describe such beauty? Even that right now just sounds cheesy.”
“Cheesy is okay with me.” Again Megan hugs her brother. She knows for a fact that she’s addicted to him but she likes it. “As long as you’re here, I’m okay.” The two sit down on the big dish with Finn letting his girlfriend go first. While Megan dangles her legs in the air, Finn slowly spins them both in circles. “We should get back home soon,” the girl mutters. “I have to apologize to Maureen…and the others.” But Finn shakes his head.
“No,” he says firmly and Megan listens to him. She likes it and secretly she always gets a little wet when he strikes a commanding tone. She chews her lips and plays with the hem of her white dress, lifting it up a bit and flashing some skin between the dress and the socks. “We’ll stay here until you’re better” Finn determines and Megan knows why she follows her brother. Millie may be the sister who obeys Finn without rejoinder but Megan thinks it’s just as good when he takes care of her.
“Okay,” she just says, then realizes how unprepared she actually is. “Although I don’t actually even know what’s going on.” Now that she says it she feels so infinitely stupid but of course Finn gives her the space to sort herself out.
“Take your time. I trust you.” Her eyes wander over the playground in search of an answer. She gets a little startled when the lights suddenly go out and reaches for her boyfriend’s hand. When she doesn’t find it she gets worried for a moment, but then feels his hands around her body as he pulls her close. “Your eyes are about to get used to the dark. No darkness is forever.” His legs work, spinning them both in circles as Megan finds support and shelter against him. Then she remembers.
“Remember the last time we were here?” In the already waning darkness, the love of her life nods.
“Of course I remember,” Finn grins, then sits up a little straighter. “Whatever happened to our forest path, anyway? I thought that was for the difficult conversations?” It’s good to hear Finn talk so confidently about such topics that always paralyze Megan. It’s all done with a dash of humor and the message, not exactly stated but all the more clearly understood, that some things may change, but others, more important ones, remain the same.
“Pfft. Like I’m walking through the woods at night. Even I’m not that stupid!” laughs Megan, feeling a little better.
“You’re not stupid Megan,” says Finn in a monochromatic voice, looking down at his feet.
“No. No, I’m not.” Megan leans in and kisses him on the cheek, reassuring him, feeling strong through him, giving him the strength to be strong for her. He was right all along. Of course he was.
“I don’t want you to talk about yourself like that Megan,” Finn says, taking in her strength.
“Okay brother. I promise. It was just something I said. Without reason.” The two look at each other, and Finn is right about this too. Even the waning moon reflects enough light to illuminate her world. Finn is her sun, and even when she’s miserable, he shines on her and provides light.
“Okay.” Again he kisses her on the forehead and somehow it’s more intimate than a kiss on the lips. When Megan kisses him on the mouth she can barely contain herself, her head floods with love and all she can think about is him. Finn knows this and kisses her like a brother, supporting her, being there for her and caring. And Megan finds an answer.
“About two years ago, I was sitting here, remember?” Finn nods.
“You never told me why.”
“That day I had decided to break up with my boyfriend” she confesses, finally seeing clearly. “Because I didn’t want to tell myself I didn’t feel anything for you anymore. I’ve loved you all my life.” Again Finn just nods, waiting for Megan to continue speaking. When that doesn’t happen, he helps her.
“Maureen was with us that night, wasn’t she? She said something that made you mad.”
“That I’d better stay with my boyfriend, she said. And I ran away angry. I knew she was right and I was afraid that if I told you how I felt you would push me away.”
“I understand,” Finn says, not sounding hurt. That’s all behind them.
“And then there was the thing with Millie.”
“And I didn’t want to get too close to you to put any pressure on you” Finn laughs, exhilarated at the difficulties that were so easily brushed aside.
“I was so mad at Maureen because I thought it was all her fault.”
“And tonight?” Now Megan is silent for a long time but this time Finn says nothing. He just strokes the back of her hand, holds her to him, and slowly turns them in a circle. The chirping of the crickets is the only sound in the air. “Karen called,” she begins, finally knowing what’s troubling her. “At first I thought she wanted to talk to you, why wouldn’t she? But she wanted to ask Maureen something.”
“Maureen? Oh yes, she did offer to help. But why…” Then he quickly bites his tongue and is quiet again.
“The two of them were talking and I just…it wasn’t on purpose. I went by the bathroom and I heard them talking.” Actually, Megan should get angry again but she can’t next to her brother. Instead, she’s saddened by her reaction. “Maureen said I haven’t found my place yet.”
“Oh Megan…”
“Well, she’s right. But that scared me. And… shit, you did say I was the glue. And I think that’s a good thing. You said such nice things to me and… shit, I don’t know either…” Finn waits a bit, sees Megan close her mouth and stare dejectedly into the darkness. She wants to be strong for him, intelligent and brave. But just one word from her sister is enough to turn her back into the girl she was before Finn. Scared and angry, aimless.
“You said beautiful things to me too Megan. Beautiful things. And you’ve done wonderful things for me.”
“I know…but…”
“But ‘glue’ isn’t romantic, is it?” Her brother sounds so gentle, not angry or determined. His voice is so soft and gentle that Megan doesn’t think of defending herself in any way or coming to his defense. There will be time for that later.
“I know I should be happy with this. And I am, please believe me. I just…don’t know…”
“Finding a role in someone else’s life is hard Megan,” Finn says quietly, understanding. “I’ve been lucky.”
“And so have I… but…”
“But there’s more, huh?” Finn even seems a little happy, smiling. For Megan, it’s as bright as day. “You’re right. Being the glue doesn’t quite do justice to what you are to me.”
“I just…”
“It’s okay. I understand.” Finn lets his words sink in for a few seconds while Megan can’t decide between being tense with excitement or calm with love. It’s a duality she already knows but the web of feelings Finn describes makes a lot more sense than her self-induced worry. “Megan, being the middle part of three sisters must be exhausting.”
“Well…” Even in the dark, Megan notices Finn pointing to her red cheeks.
“No need for that,” he says lightly. “Millie looks up to you, and Maureen respects you now more than ever. Right?” Megan can only nod, feeling guilty about all the mischief she’s committed but Finn doesn’t care. “But you know what you are to me?”
“Your wombat?” Megan doesn’t know if she was joking or not. Either way, it was the first thing that popped into her head.
“That too” Finn chuckles and kisses Megan again, this time on the cheek. “You’re like me.” The girl looks at the love of her life. “It was you who brought Emma into my life. It was you who led me to Millie, showed me I could have it all. You were by my side my whole life. I often suppressed myself to protect you, just like you. I often doubted myself, just like you. And when I finally had it all, I wasn’t sure I even deserved it.” Now Finn kisses his sister on the lips, tender and long. His fingers brush her cheeks, holding her close. “So do you. You keep me grounded, control me, make sure I always put you above me. I couldn’t do any of this without you. You are to me what I am to you, Megan.”
“Finn…”
“Finn and Megan. Do you understand?” His voice gets higher, shriller, full of excitement when he thinks of what he’s describing to his sister. “It’s not just me, it’s you, it’s us. Together. And yes, you are the glue. Glue is necessary to hold this together. But you are so much more. You help me with Emma, Millie and Maureen. You give me advice and reassurance. You make sure I stay on the right path. You are not only sweet and nice, you are also bitchy and mean. You assert yourself just as you let yourself be guided. You have a sense of humor, but you also know when to kick my ass. Damn it Megan, you are exactly what I need. It’s only because of you that the world works.” Then Finn is quiet, looking at his sister. Neither of them says anything.
“I was sitting there on the swing then, too,” the girl finally whispers. “That’s when I decided to love you.”
“That was you alone Megan and I am so grateful for that.”
“I sat there, decided to leave my boyfriend for you, a boy who would never love me. But I knew it was the right thing to do.” Megan looks at her love. Her eyes are clear. “I knew it would be worth it, and no matter how much pain I would have, the little moments with you were worth it to me.”
“I felt the same way.”
“I imagined what our future would be like and I was sad and happy at the same time. I just… I’m not good with that kind of stuff Finn. I just like it.” Her hands go wandering and as Finn keeps his arms wrapped around her Megan runs her fingers over his body. “I’ve imagined this so many times but I never dreamed it would end up like this. You me and a thousand other girls.” She giggles happily. “It’s not really easy, not the way I imagined it.” Another kiss, this time starting from Megan on the cheek of her friend, brother and lover. “It’s better.”
“But only because of you Megan. Only. Because. Of. You.” Finn makes his every word perfectly clear. “You are a part of me Wombat. I will never be without you. And… And whether we ever get married or not, what connects us is not a title but how we feel about each other.” Then he stumbles as Finn watches his sister begin to shake with laughter. “Wh-what is it?” he asks, perplexed.
“You’re so good with words,” she says, looking down at her knees. Her white dress is a bright stain against the background and her hands feel the fabric.
For Megan Lynchwood, wearing dresses always sucked. She was a wild child, always on the go, doing things to her brother. Clothes always tore or got dirty in the process. She still remembers her mother saying, clothes made the man, Megan always thought that was silly. Finn liked her whether she acted like a lady or not. He was the perfect gentleman whenever girls were there but when the two siblings were alone he was just as wild as Megan. On the way to the playground, she couldn’t stop thinking about the stunts he’d pulled, the bright laughter of Millie, and the tears when he’d almost killed himself again. Actually, it was never really bad, except for that one time and then he had hung up his racing career, but Megan was always proud of herself and her brother when they had once again cracked a high score. There was never any question why she was wearing jeans, suspenders or those embarrassing raincoats. Even then she knew that she could count on Finn no matter how she dressed.
By the time puberty came around, that had slowly but surely changed. Megan wasn’t stupid, Finn had always told her that when the other girls teased her about her blue shoes or her brother’s worn shirt she liked to wear that much. But of course she hadn’t missed the looks Finn had given her from time to time when he thought she wasn’t noticing. And there were also Maureen and Karen who were not stingy with their charms. Still, Finn had roamed the chaos of life by her side every day, grabbing her hand when he had a problem as she did with him. When Millie came into the mix, a lot had changed again, but that hadn’t bothered Megan. She had realized early on that Finn liked to be around people and since she liked Millie a lot it was okay for her not to see him quite as much when the youngest Lynchwood came to school. It was still Megan who hung out with Finn after school or during breaks and brought Millie home afterward. She had even once toyed with the idea of bribing his teacher with the little money she had and having him drop a grade. At the end of the day, she had been ashamed, but the idea of seeing Finn longer than just during recess was worth pursuing.
Then came the ominous day when Millie had her encounter with her boyfriend and Finn had changed again. From then on, it was no longer just about fun and Megan had only really understood his task to protect the girls. From that day on she had watched her brother very closely… and had drawn the wrong conclusion. She had thought he would choose Millie over her as he had chosen Maureen over her. Megan had thought Finn favored weak girls, helpless girls, and she had strained to be like her sisters. That Finn had not responded was a traumatic experience, depriving Megan of opportunities to be close to him. Her own strength had been her undoing, driving a wedge between her and Maureen, and then even her and Millie.
Only now, after the week at the lake and the experiences of the day, his words, does Megan realize what he means. She had put herself behind, behind Millie, then even Maureen, even behind girls who weren’t part of the family, and had felt good about it. Finn had responded well, and now Megan understands why. She had to realize that getting behind something with Finn was the best thing that could happen to her. Her brother was right, as always. She is like him and from this realization develops the idea for her new life.
“Not just the glue,” she mutters, then looks to him. He follows her progress closely, as he always has.
“A dime for your thoughts,” he grins.
“Will you do me a favor Biggie?” asks Megan, curling her lips into a soft smile.
“Anything.”
“Don’t ever let me think you’re not the answer to all my questions again.” Megan rests her forehead on his, sensing his hesitation, the thoughts in his head. She talks to him without speaking and they both come to an answer.
“You and I are the answer to all our questions.” And Megan is content with that. She’s come a long way. Just as long and arduous as Finn. They are the same. She loves him and he loves her. There are issues they can’t even resolve together; they have their newfound family for that. But everything that concerns Megan and Finn is solved by Megan and Finn. And that’s why Finn loves Megan. And that’s why Megan loves Finn.
“Kiss me brother and make me happy.”
Megan feels his hands on her body as Finn complies with her order. It’s like little sparks dance across her skin as he slides his hands down her cheeks and neck, cups her hip and holds her against him again. She closes her eyes and welcomes the darkness, knowing now what lies behind the black nothingness of doubt. She has imagined a thousand times what it would be like to kiss her brother, and until recently she had worried that the feeling would eventually fade or change. But every time Finn kisses her, everything spins around her and she has to hold onto him to keep from sliding off the still slowly spinning disc.
“You are so beautiful Megan” Finn whispers in her ear and she starts to tremble as she feels him against her neck. She puts her head back and holds Finn to her as he sets her skin on fire with his kisses. “You’re so strong.” Briefly, Megan opens her eyes. Even that is hard for her in the maelstrom of lust she has allowed herself to fall into. Whenever Finn is near her she just has to think about him for a moment and she doesn’t know what she’s saying anymore, her thoughts immediately scattering back and her mouth disobeying her. She is so weak next to him, helpless and at the mercy of his every word. She has already seen it in Millie and Emma and welcomes the feeling when Finn takes possession of her and makes her what she always wanted to be. That only he can do it fills her with immense pride and every time she gives herself to him it’s like the first time. Her greatest hopes have come true just as she has always wished.
“What?” Finn has just said something and Megan is eager to please him. With effort, she focuses on him as his hands brush over her shirt, eliciting a clumsy giggle from her throat. It feels so good to be in her brother’s arms after all the worry about Maureen and the fight Megan caused. “I did…what?” Finn has to chuckle, too.
“You’re so strong.” Megan wants to believe him but strength is not what she wants in life. Her beloved brother has always told her how strong, brave and smart she is and he’s right. But Megan is only like that in the moments when Finn is not by her side. When he’s there, she doesn’t care about any of those qualities. Dust in the wind. She’s proud of what she’s accomplished in life and the kind of person she is, but when Finn is next to her she just wants him and nothing else. When her Biggie tells her she is strong, she believes him. But it doesn’t matter to her, only likes it because she knows it is important to him. Strength and intelligence didn’t lead her to Finn, into his heart and his bed. She saw Millie and just copied her as best she could, and out of that came what Finn now calls his life. That Megan has a place in it is the greatest reward in the world and worth more than any success she has achieved through hard work or clever tactics. Finn was who started their relationship, allowed Megan to swing on him and take his fingers inside her. Finn was the one who, after Millie and the sacrifice Megan made for his princess, came into her room and took her as his girlfriend. And Megan has only been happy to stand by his side ever since. That she reacted so strongly to Maureen was a mistake but Finn forgives mistakes because Finn is her dearest brother. Everything Megan is in her life she owes only to him.
“No, I’m sorry love” she moans as she feels his teeth gently graze over her neck. He has already slipped her dress over one shoulder and is kissing her skin while Megan can’t help another moan. “This is all you. And I love you for it.” She closes her eyes, wanting to give herself completely to her brother.
“No.” Her vision clears again, and she takes in Finn clearly for a brief moment. He looks past her, thoughtful but then his expression changes to the determination she knows from him. “This is all you.”
“I…oh…” His hand wanders over her stomach, crumpling the fabric of the dress and settling lightly yet firmly on her thigh. Megan begins to tremble under his touch. Her eyelids flutter and grow heavy with lust but she strains to look into his eyes.
“I know how you feel about me Megan,” Finn says as his hand slowly brushes up her dress, blurring her world.
“Finn…oh goooohaa…”
“On our last day at the lake I was out on the beach at night, thinking” Finn whispers and his sister bites her lips as his fingers press between her thighs, pushing her panties aside and finding her clit. He is so good with his fingers but still Megan hears his every word clearly. “I was afraid that with our relationship I might be depriving Millie of a life that might be better than the one I can give her.” The trembling intensifies as Finn slowly strokes around her clit, his other hand supporting her back. “I want to protect her. Until that day I was sure I could give her a good life, but I also knew reality would soon catch up with us. Millie trusts me completely and that is the biggest honor I can have. I decide her fate and she would do anything I say.”
“Yeah…” Gasps Megan. “All of us… Oh God… please…” She clasps his fingers and Finn circles slower, more tenderly. Megan whimpers under his touch and lifts her pelvis toward his hand while her back leans against his body. “I can understand how tempting it can be to give yourself to me. Millie, Emma, the sisters, Denise.” Her brother chuckles now too as he thinks of the girls and shakes his head. Megan is in love and horny but still Finn manages to reach her with his words. She feels so safe with him. He speaks to her, reads her mind and tells her it’s okay to let herself go. Megan sees this as the solution to her worries and is infinitely grateful to her Biggie. “I’ve slept with Millie many times now. Also with Maureen. The two of them are very different. Millie allows herself to be led, makes me strong. And Maureen keeps that strength alive, gives me peace and serenity when I need it.” Finn makes his fingers dance faster again. Her nipples are already aching, poking little hatchets into her dress while Megan gets as wet as only Finn can make her. Then she feels her lover deftly withdraw his fingers, change the angle of his hand, and now work her pleasure center with his thumb while his wet fingers stroke her cleft. Megan knows she’s about to have sex with Finn. Until half an hour ago, she would never have believed it was possible today and Finn is making every effort to prepare her.
“I’m yours love…” gasps Megan, seeing colors before her eyes.
“My story isn’t over yet,” her boyfriend says with a grin and Megan opens her eyes.
“You better hurry or I’ll mess up the climax with my… climax.”
“I’ll get right back to it.” Finn kisses her on the cheek but continues to stroke her wet cleft with his index and middle finger. “Then that night Millie made love to me for the first time. You know what I mean? She sat on me and showed me what kind of life she wanted to have.”
“I… hngh…” The smacking of her juices pierces through the night. In a moment, it’s time. “Finn…”
“Millie has taken the lead Megan. Do you understand?” His question is urgent but still he continues to drive Megan toward her orgasm.
“Yes!” she gasps out loud. “Yes I understand you!” She doesn’t really know if it’s true but is sure that’s what he wants to hear from her.
“It was you, Megan.” She wants to say something, doesn’t understand, wants to show him that she wants and needs his guidance. But her world turns colorful and black at the same time as Finn penetrates her with his fingers and finds her G-spot immediately. He knows her so well and she loves him for it. But every thought. Every worry is flushed out of her as she clings to her brother and looks at him with a rapt face filled with ecstatic pain. And Finn grins triumphantly. As her mouth drops open, he saves her life. “I like being there for Millie because that’s what she wants. I tell her what to do because she told me to do it.” At that moment, little Wombat’s mind goes blank. Finn has hollowed her out and is now filling her with what she wants him to do. And he wouldn’t be her brother if there wasn’t something more. “Your anger and fear come from thinking you only have to fulfill a role for me. The Little Sister, a bit spoiled, funny and curious. But you are so much more to me. You are exactly what I need Megan. You’re in the middle, you’re not Millie or Maureen. You are Megan. You let me protect you, but tell me exactly how. You help me and then let me be the man. You make me proud and ashamed. Millie and Maureen have found their place in my life. And your place is at the point where I am. Helping, determining, asking, and thanking.” Megan can’t breathe. She just tears her mouth open, looking at her brother out of wide eyes as her vision blurs. But she’s not afraid of the dark. “Your place is everywhere. Your role is to always be where I am.” Megan lies in his arms, gazing into his eyes. She feels his erection against her back and the dampness between her legs. His fingers feel unspeakably beautiful and of course Finn doesn’t let go of her while he opens her eyes.
“I want to stay with you” is the only thing Megan can say as she finally realizes what she hasn’t understood all her life. “I want to be just that for you.” She’s happy.
“You can want things, Megan. You get to dictate things to me and have your way. I think that’s awesome. Just as classy as you letting me lead you. You’re not betraying your promise to me. You are doing exactly what I want you to do.” Megan sees Finn approaching again and reaches out to him. The air has cooled by now and the sand doesn’t retain the warmth of the day for long. Megan freezes, but burns from the inside out as Finn kisses her on the lips. She returns the gesture, wrapping her arms around him and pressing greedily against her lover. “Make a wish,” Finn grins, all big sassy brother.
“You know what I want. Please give it to me.” Megan knows that first she demanded, then she asked. She’s getting exactly what she wants, no matter how she feels about Finn. Because that’s her connection to her brother.
Writing Shark 